our 5 cents
A New Year's Date?
I think Horny Old Patient asked for my phone number. I was trying to talk to him about his diabetic diet, and he was talking to me about his sciatic nerve pain, then he told me a joke, then he told me about eating shawarma. Finally I was fed up and said: "I have to go. Do you have any questions for me?". He said: "Yes.. how can I get in touch with you? Do you have a card?" Me: "I don't have my card on me, but if you want to see a dietitian after you are discharged, it wouldn't be me". Him: "I was thinking going for dinner..." But that last line was muttered under his breath so I can only say i'm *pretty sure* he said something about going for dinner. THEN he said something like: "You are young! Enjoy yourself. How old are you?"
This guy is hilarious!!! I hope I never see him again.
Horny Old Patient
This week there are 3 RDs covering for 6 full time jobs. That means, oh joy, that I get to visit the adult units and struggle to figure out what the heck to do with them.
Today I met a chatty man... and I learned a lot about him: he's Egyptian, studied in Germany, speaks at least 5 languages, moved his birthdate back about 4 years when he immigrated for insurance purposes, is an atheist, and believes in the big bang and Darwin's theory of evolution. He is single, lives alone, and is not coping well. Diet-wise, he has no willpower, he says. He's about 62 years old (or 58 on hospital papers).
He is diabetic and confessed that he "overdid" it by drinking 3 very large Tim Horton's "Smoothees". He blames his stroke on that, and an entire box of baklava. Now I don't know too much about Smoothees but have always assumed they were made with sugar and cream and even I would never dare drinking one. "Sir, those are just too sweet for you. I wouldn't even suggest drinking one".
I asked him about changes in his body weight (he is clearly outside of the healthy range) and he said, "This is my normal body type. You have your body type, I have my type. I'll never be skinny like the Asian Nurses. Here- feel my arm. It's all muscle".
As I was leaving the room, after I had said he might need some help at home with meal preparation,he said: "You know what I need? A wife. I 'm going to Russia to get a girl to bring back and be my wife." Me: "Well Mr. A, that's another story altogether".
Later I was back in the room and he proceeded to tell me that his young male nurse is single, and maybe I should meet him. He's 22. "I'm a little older than 22, Mr. A!" "What? You look 18-19!" "Well , that's a bit of an exaggeration, but thank you very much!". I think he's already told this nurse that I'm attractive.
Then he told me he was trying to "hustle me personally", to go out with me. I think he told the nurse about this intention too. Then he told me he had many 18-19 year old girlfriends in South America and named all the cities for me where he "knew" girls. I don't want to know what the heck this old perv is up to.
comments, and maybe a bit of muffin
well it's been a while, but alas here i am. instead of commenting on each individual post, i will summarize my thoughts and feelings in the form of a real entry for you to peruse.
you all are well aware that i am not as enamoured by the feline pet as the rest of you. indeed, really, really not in love with them in the least. all of you with your meowing buddies, well i just don't share the glee. i know this is a 4-1 loss that i suffer here with all you pussy-fans, and thus i just don't fit in. i am in the minority the world over. fret not... in general i can handle it. with these feelings i was left last week to look at ms. ms.'s "stuff on my cat" post. now this may get you all into calling me the kitty-grinch, but i dunno, those cats did nothing for me. ba-humbug. i tried to go to the website in order to melt the frozen cat-corner of my heart, but to no avail. ok, it was just plain weird. i am bracing myself for the backlash that may ensue from this comment, i am. it's me against the world on this one, and i am prepared.
(lovely ms. ms., the above comment in no way is meant to offend you as the poster of such catity. i love you and your posts... see below if you aare doubting me.)
rescued was the cat post by an insanely funny entry on the holiday season. and the cookies consumed here-in. you know, to us jews who don't rock around the christmas tree, it really is all about the chocolate and crumbly sweet-things. ms. ms., i laughed and laughed, mostly because you found it necessary to post a LIST of what junk food you had consumed. the recap was sooo useful, as it made me feel like i was right there with you, sharing in the caloric fattiness of it all, piece by delicious piece. cookies and molten sweet stuff abound! hurray for the holidays! (now playing at my house: everyone's favorite chocolate chunk cookies and tiny brownies.)
it has come to the time to congratulate hicky on her purchase. it was i who was with you when the fine-slippers-of-leathery-delight were placed on your twinkly toes. you were like cinderella when prince charming came a-knocking. they fit just right, they were meant for you, oh princess. it warmed my cockles to read of your obvious joy in finally making their purchase. to you my friend, one of the gorgeously adorned feet, i say enjoi. (and i sure hope you wear them lots, there is no need to "save" such wonderful accoutrements, as living life to its fullest is the most special occasion of all!)
guess what, guys? i'm going to california too! and guess what also? my work is sending me! in february! the month after hick is there, and the month before ms. is there! can you believe it? what a coincidence? what are the chances? well that's an easy question to answer: none. because i'm a liar. maybe you have to be a cat lover in order to go to california... i have no fear, though. we will get our act together and descend on tali like a hungry school of vultures, and make her wish that she had never complained about us not visiting. you'll get what you have coming to you tali, oh you will little miss. in the form of three crazy chicks who will make you laugh till you pee (and/or barf).
(for the record, i know it's not a "school" of vultures. no, i know thats for fish. nor is it a "pack" of vultures, bcause that's for wolves... i was just unable to find the right word.)
this brings us to the "bit of muffin" portion of the blog. hick and i have this routine. we go to starbucks, we get mezzo-non-fat-lattes and muffins (she a raspberry, i a corn). we sit, we chat, we laugh, we spit partially chewn muffin. *correction* i spit partially chewn muffin. i think that no one ever told me not to talk with my mouth full, because every time, yes, EACH AND EVERY TIME, we partake in this ritual, i manage to spit muffin at hick. i think that i spit muffin even when i am NOT talking with my mouth full. i have tried to control it, but it seems that i can't! i obviously have a problem. now before you guys get all "well you are biting off more that you can chew" on me, i have to tell you that i am not a big biter. we are talking small bite-lets here. hick, i know it's gross, and that maybe you will want to put an end to this routine or ours due to its grossity. i understand. you have to draw the line when that little bit of muffin makes a perfect arc from my mouth directly into your treasured latte.
(in final news, i hear it's someone's birthday on monday, but i'm not saying who's.)
I'M COMING TO CALIFORNIA, BABY!
Yes I am serious I am! The best is...
WORK IS SENDING ME.
Maybe my $9 per paycheque and all the headaches and long hours is starting to pay off. THere is a big conference connected to the new documentation the hospital is implementing and 2 of the Professional Practice Leaders will be sent to it in mid-march.
Unfortunately for me and the Talstress, the conference takes place in Orange County, but if Miss Kay were a blog reader and contributor, her panties would be up in a bunch with the anticipation of my visit to the outskirts of her city.
I have a lot of work ahead of me with this Poster Presentation et al but.... I AM GOING TO CALIFORNIA!!!
Hey Hickteeth, aren't you going too? This is the year of California for us all, apparently!
3 CHEERS FOR CALIFORNIA!!!
HIP HIP HOORAY!!!
My New Love
Behold! My new love!
I passed by, endlessly, and stared at you,
dared to slip you on. But it did not last.
You eluded me for weeks, months, until...
my credit card cleared up.
Now, you are mine and we can be as one.
Guide me through the streets of life, young one.
We can walk together.
We Interrupt this Lack of Blogging to Broadcast an Important Holiday Update...
Alright, it's high time for someone to post and it looks like I'm-a gonna have to be that someone.
Today's topic is COOKIES.
In addition to the delicious flavour and variety, it is appropriate to discuss the abundance of cookies in my midst in recent days.
'Tis the season to be jolly, and that means neverending fun for my taste buds. In the last 2 days, an atrocious number of cookies have crossed these lips of mine. Let me recap the highlights: peanut shortbread, chocolate with a dollop of sticky jam-like stuff, chocolate-apricot biscotti, chocolate digestive, baklava (not quite a cookie but also sweet, buttery and bite-sized).
I must give an honourable mention to chocolate, of which I have partaken in medium to large amounts in the last 30 hours as well: Laura Secord mint chocolate medallion, Irish Creme filled square, milk chocolate pastille, a small edible Santa, and caramel-filled Quality Street.
My dietitians' mind is trying in vain not to tabulate the horrific number of calories and fat (some of it saturated!!!) that has entered my digestive system and inevitably been absorbed and stored by now.
The delights of my mouth will be the downfall of my ass.
Merry Chocolate eating to all, and to all a good Cookie.
Stuff on my Cat
Kids, check out this site. I laffed and laffed. We have a few cat lovers in da house so click on this CAT
to laff like me.
Hang on to your bootstraps
The weather's coming and she's a doozy.
For all of us in the brisk North (as opposed to those crumb-bums in the warm South) the storm's a brewin'...
don't open an umbrella for fear you'll fly away like Mary Poppins, don't fart outside for fear the wind'll send the odor right backatchoo, and fer cryin' out loud - don't pee in the alleyway - it'll turn into instant ice and creep its icicly way up inside you.
It's time for hot chocolates, fireplaces and men with alot of energy to keep you warm. So get to it ladies!
As for me, I'll be driving to Ottawa tonight in order to avoid the 35-45CM OF SNOW.
As OOTG's says "holy mary, jesus and joseph, Balki"
For those of you who live in warmer climate, I leave you with this
Lord Love a Duck
There is a person I work with here, a dear sweet man. Wouldn't harm a fly. Definitely more than knee-high to a grasshopper (he's tall) who has a tendancy to use alot of sayings when he talks to me...
"well, it's not like we're spitting in anyone's eye here, I mean we're a promotional magazine!"
"It seems we've really ruffled some feathers with this one"
"Snakes on a plate it's hot in here!" - I am confused by this one which I overheard at the "water cooler"
I just noticed today that he uses more sayings that you can shake a stick at.
And it makes me laugh, laugh like a hyena in springtime.
it seems that this blog is turning into a medical diary for me. let us examine...
the blog started with an email from me which stated "i'm off to see if i'm pregnant", indicating medical issue #1. well, a few days later the results were in, and bingo (i know you have all been waiting for this...) they confirm my knowledge that i am indeed not pregnant. nope, no bun in the oven. no little one to keep us up at night, no siree bob. heck, that was all totally fine with me, and i saved us all from having to attend a bris or baby naming sometime in june. (you're welcome.)
however, this did bring on medical issue #2: where the fuck is my period. wtfimp brought on an entire series of problems. i had not mestruated since i stopped taking the pill on august 1, and though it had been great not bleeding from the uterus for 3 months, well, at this ripe age of childbearing we had to figure out why. duking it out with the gyn, i was perscribed a five day medicatory treatment that would "bring on a period". i was very unclear as to how exactly we should "bring it on", as constant flashes of a flick with teenaged cheerleaders wisked through my brain. and, i was concerned that with what was now four months sans aunt flo, i would have a torrent that might require us calling in noah with his trusty ark. alas, no such flood issued, though i did get what i used to refer to as a "good period"-very little flow, no cramps, no fear of leakage... i was told this should "get things on track down there", and so if this is so, then i await my next cyclical void next week. unless, of course, if i am pregnant.
one might say that the advent of medical issue #3 is also due to the hormonal roller coaster that is currently snaking itself through my body. i have spoken liberally about this on the blog, with posts here
. holy jesus, mary and joseph! (upon looking throught the blog i can't believe that i have spoken about my pussy pimples four times! and this makes it five.) look, this is about medical news, and in my books this classifies well under said category. i am happy to recount to you, that since popping the massive tri-whiteheaded volcano on my chin last week, the situation on the lower portion of my face is vastly improved, totally on the mend. (knock on wood.)
this brings me to medical issue #4, my current problem. i have a cyst at the base of my spine (one might call it the cocxycs, how ever the fuck you spell it...), which coincidentally happens to lie right at the top of my ass crack. like where all the pressure goes when you sit on your ass. i will be ussing the word ass alot here. now, the cyst: not such a big deal. UNTIL IT GOT INFECTED. (my dr. says that the infection is likely from an ingrown hair... something so soft and little causing me all these problems!) well... ladies, i am in a lot of pain. it hurts like a bitch. i can't sit down, lie down, change positions while sleeping without wanting to yelp in pain. the huge infected red, inflamed area on my ass makes me long for the small-ish red infectous spots on my face. i can sit down when i have pimples. NOT SO IN THIS CASE. i have been perscribed an antibiotic to clear up the infection (and yes, though i did describe immense pain above, it is getting better), as well as hot baths four times daily. in fact, i have to go take one now. said baths are supposed to allow an opening for all the "stuff" that is inside to escape. no opening has yet to develop, and when it does, i am frighten as to what might come out.
i shall leave you with that thought.
Vomit By Ms.Ms. and Hickteeth (Circa 1992)
This comes from an actual list.
Leggo your Eggo
Spew Burrito Chunks
Yawn in Technicolour
Digestion in Reverse (Reverse Digestion)
Spontaneously Painting the Ground
Saying "Hello" to Your Breakfast
Clearing Your Stomach
Reverse Static Cling
Taking Lunch for a Walk
Holler New York
Slack Dip of the Lip
Blow One's Lunch
Look Out Below!
Up Close & Personal with Your Gastric Juices
Nark (from Rod & Kris)
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
"Now You Don't See Me... Now You Do!"
Toss Your Cookies
Talking to Ralph on the Big White Phone
Driving the Porcelain Bus
Mouth Crap/ Oral Crap
Praying to the Porcelain G-d
Surprizing John (as in toilet) ("ooh, is this for me?")
Motion Sickness/ Sickness in Motion
A Really Big Wad of Chunky Spit
"I Should Have Had a V8!"
The High Tide of the Throat
Again, we truly outdid ourselves with Grossitude
What the @$#& Was Wrong With Us?
The following is a "rough draft" of a personals ad that Hickteeth and I wrote for One of the girls in 1993. I don't know if she ever saw it. I don't know WHY we were writing this for her. Maybe one of them can enlighten the rest of us."Hi, I'm a feisty bitch who likes to slap my men around! I've also been known to give the occasional kick up the ass. If you like this, then strap on a sausage and email me now. If this is not your idea of a steamy encounter, I can be gentle. But if you DO enjoy this, then I'll pull your balls so far and let them fly back into your face. I have a 12" dildo that I'll ram so hard up your ass that you'll bleed! But you'll love it so much you won't bleed blood- you'll bleed cum! Please leave me a message- now!"
OK-- you may be thinking- Ms Ms came up with this sicko crap but no, NO! Most of it is in Hickteeth's handwriting!
What what the heck was going on?! I shudder to think of what instigated this kind of perversion from sweet lil' angelic us.
OOTG laid down the gauntlet and asked me to answer a bunch of questions. How could I refuse her?
So here we go. What I can answer so far:
1. the top ten great things about west coast living:
- 10 - Great amercan shopping, like Target
- 9 - Cheaper flights everywhere
- 8 - There are some good lookin' men (all gay, but good to look at)
- 7 - The beautiful sunny warm weather in DECEMBER (oh yeah..I was in a tank top yesterday)
- 6 - Being close to the beach is LOVELY
- 5 - Lots of great neighbourhoods to explore
- 4 - The beautiful sunny warm weather in DECEMBER (oh yeah..I was in a tank top yesterday)
- 3 - Lots of green areas to walk through.
- 2 - Two words...CHEESECAKE FACTORY (mmmmm)
-1 - The beautiful sunny warm weather in DECEMBER (oh yeah..I was in a tank top yesterday)
Did I mention the weather?
2. the top ten reasons why chinese and sushi are better there
- ok..I haven't had any yet...I'll have to return to this one -
3. the top ten nutty things that you saw on the muni on your way to work this morning
- 10 - a bus that has a digital sign announcing the next stop (hello high tech)
- 9 - the above ground metro system (above ground??? DUR)
- 8 - the metro stations with multiple trains going through. I actually have to PAY ATTENTION instead of stepping right on. SO ANNOYING
- 7 - lots of HOT gay men getting on at the Castro station
- 6 - lots of tech nerds. My people! WOOHOO
-5- a surprising amount of smokers
- 4 - empty buses at rush hour. Woohoo!
- 3 - One street good...one street BAD....one street good...one street BAD. How is a little Canadian to know?
- 2 - No MacDonald's! CRAZY
- 1 - Lots of crazies here....LOTS. I fit in great.
4. the top ten motivational phrases you repeat to yourself while walking up all those damn hills
- haven't done it yet. But I'm assuming it will do something like this: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, my ass will look awesome, I think I can.
5. the top ten great thing about california dudes
- ask me in 6 months.
6. the top ten things that your collegues complain about, instead of complaining about the weather (because here the weather would constitute complaints 1-76)
- 10 - the weather (they don't know what they are missing)
- 9 - food around the office
- 8 - significant others
- 7 - roommates
- 6- politics
- 5- dating
- 4 - real estate
- 3 - work
- 2- travel horror stories
- 1- eachother
(I'm guessing here...I haven't been around long enough to tell! )
So there..how was that? Slightly more entertaining?
Hey ladies! How is everyone? Huh? Huh?
Just a quick hello so everyone doesn't feel neglected (I know, I've been SO neglectful, you know I love you guys...right?)
Nothing new to report. Went to Minnesota. It was SO COLD. -15 already. The californians I was with couldn't handle it. *snicker*. then got on a plane and the computer system failed so we had to land in Denver. SO BORING (and quite the business trip). I've been feeling SO homesick lately. I really miss everyone. I can't wait to come to visit. I so have no friends here. It's killing me.
That's all I got. I'm half asleep due to landing at 1am last night and not being able to sleep at all. My mind was RACING! (one of those nights).
Hick - I'll call you tomorrow re: that contact info you needed.
The rest of you..catch up soon!
Or : The Process
Often people ask me, Hickteeth, what is your PROCESS?
I start by singing a little song about it, that usually goes something like "dum-da-dum-dum-GOING", or something like that.
Then, after I make fun of what that strange fashion girl at work is wearing, I walk the 2 flights of stairs up.
Then I stop near the door... and listen... I might have to wait if someone is in there.
If not, I go on inside, pick a door, enter, sit and wait.
I sit very calmly, and very quietly and again...I listen... is anyone in the hallway? Is anyone on their way to the door? Is anyone thinking of coming to the door?
If the answers are no, I QUICKLY do what I need to do. This is a very hurried process and not for the faint-of-heart (or faint-of-bum).
Then, with a quick step, I leave and jog down the 2 flights back to my desk.
And that's the process!
Thanks for asking.
Please see Homestarrunner.com / SBEmails / The Process for inspiration!
D.O.D. (Dinah on Drugs)
As most of you ladies know, Calvin, Carmel and I are playing host to Dinah while she remains quarantined from her rabies shot for 30 days before joining our girl Tali in San Fran. I thought I'd share with you some tidbits of her fantasy vacation at the Mses's. To get Dinesqui feeling a little more relaxed around my cats, I fed her copious amounts of catnip.
Dinah gets ready to really party
Carmel horrifiedly observes
"OOOOHHHH, IT TASTES SO GOOD!!"
"What a hottie. Think she goes for younger guys who are neutered?"
"I ain't neva gottin dis high at Tali's house. Yowza"
Asstention: Pleasurable physical acts focused on the posterior region, be it the hole or cheeks
Assgasm: An orgasm caused by asstention.
we were together yesterday, and you posed a vital question. it is only now that i realize that there was no response had. you aked ms. and me advice about your eyebrows and, well, we got a little off-topic as ms.'s ass kept on entering into the conversation. now, ms. ass is a cute and loveable thing, so delish that you may want to part the cheeks and take yourself a lick, but so rude as it kept us away from your eyebrows.
this morning i am sad for the eyebrows-gone-unspoken-about. full of remorse, even. this here-in is my attempt to make it up to you and your wonderful arches of hair-above-the-eyball.
it is firmly my opinion, that should you want to partake in the opportunity of fine tuning your eyebrows, you should embrace it fully! go forth and apply hot sticky stuff and rip off with little pices of fabric, my friend! there is nothing to be lost by giving this activity the old college try, especially if you don't count your chickens before they hatch! i whole-heartledly endorse your pursuit of this hair removal, and would be thrilled to provide you with a name of one so talented at doing so.
after all, if you don't like the out come, remeber: it IS hair; it WILL grow back!
Checking in - FINALLY!
Ok..so I've been out of the loop.
San Fran is crazy. It is SO weird to be here. I've been having a REALLY tough time adjusting to it and not having my wn apartment to live in. But I'll tell you all about that when I come home for the holidays.
I'll be in from the 23rd to the 1st. YAY!
I officially have my ticket. Thank goodness..the idea of being so far away for the holoidays is heardbreaking.
How is Toronto? How is Montreal? Any visiting plans yet?
I think I'll be getting my own place for Feb. 1! Woohoo.
I won't last longer then that without my own place. I'll seriously go insane.
Drop me a line soon :)
i'm not sure what to write about. i have 2 topics in mind, but one is more boring than the other. i will give you a quick synopsis and then let you decide which you would like to hear more about.
topic #1: the phone call this morning that resulted in me having lunch with my grandmother and her friend at a chinese restaurant. (at which lunch my grandmother's firend loudly express her distate for the "chinaman" who was serving us... what is it with old people and their stereotyping and racism?)
topic #2: the amazing pimples that are sprouting out of every part of my face. not just the chin, no siree bob, but on the upper cheek bone aswell. who knew?? certainly not me. ok it is so bad that my grandmother asked me if i had my period (thank you grandma, but if i was in the midst of my period the zits would be on the decline,) and my mother asked me if i was "taking my birth control" (which i'm not, which is definately the reason for said facial volcanoes, but i wasn't about to tell her that.)
ok my ladies, i will let you decide which you would like to hear more about. i fear it will be neither.
Instructions for My Posts
Make sure you read the 3 posts from bottom up... they are chronological , dude.
Haven't posted in a while and now 4 in a row feels gooooood. You can't stop me, I'm on a rampage! It's getting crazy!!!
Ok I have to go now.
Sounds Just Right To Me
From this dinner, with male genitalia on the brain, I went to Spanish class to experience the wonders a foreign language (tongue?) has to offer.
4 girls in my class had an all out giggle fit (which has never happened before) when we learned a new word. The word means: "JUST RIGHT" and the word is "APENAS". The word seemed to be repeated again and again by the teacher and other students and I couldn't control myself! Apenas!
Un penis esta apenas!!
Dinner with His Massiveness
I had dinner last night with His Royal Penisness at Green Mango before my Spanish class. Green Mango directly faces the Brass Rail so I had a spectacular view of huge pictures of strippers. We got onto the topic and he told me he had considered a career in porn at one point.
Ms. Ms: Do you think you'd be good at it?
Ms. Ms.: (stifling a giggle, all the while thinking: 'mmmm... he'd be great....'): Why?
HSofE: There are 2 things that are very important for men to do if they are in the porn industry. 1: They have to be ready to go, at any time
Ms. Ms: (cocks eyebrow)
HSofE: And 2: They have to be able to ... you know... on command.
Ms. Ms: And you can do that?
HSofE: No.... I think I'd need to practice.
Then he went on to tell me about "Ball Fluffers". Girls who are hired to make sure Adult Film Professionals are ready to go, when they are needed to perform. Some Ball Fluffers might have to serve a room full of guys! Big-time stars might have their own assistant.
He was also describing what grueling work it is: having to film on such a low budget with short deadlines, having to have sex over and over again and keep getting it up, the strenuous positions, and having to look like you're enjoying yourself a every time.
I wonder if I missed the boat for a potential career as a Ball Fluffer ?
2 Funny Things
Aw, man, they are so funny, I'm going to give them each their own post.