our 5 cents
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I received an email a few days ago of most utter hilarity. I never thought my blog could be a way to meet men, but once again, life doesn't cease to surprize me. Usually it happens in disappointing, raunchy or perplexing ways. This one teeters between raunchy and perplexing. Please note this man's spectacular use of English vocabulary.
Subject: Mrs M...tag your it..
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 21:25:07 -0400
>>intrestimg blog>>> very informative>>>>lol>Me Mtl guy 31 yrs. 6ft 190# athletik brwn hair/eyes fit and fun>> IM the guy your mom warned you about...lol.... Id love to hear more from you..IM curious what ethnicity r you ...Im single and work in restaurantation and would enjoy some mature company..drop me a line Jered...
Sunday Morning Buttermilk Pancakes
Is this just what they call "the Honeymoon period" or do I get to look forward to Pancakes cooked for me every Sunday morning?! Mmmmm Pancakes.
PS - OOTG I'm putting yours in the mail today!
Time for a new challenge
In the vein of Ms Ms's las challenge, here is a new one.
1. What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?
2. What are you most ashamed or embarassed of?
3. Tell us something funny about you that people would be surprised to learn
4. What is the wildest thing you've ever done? What made you do it?
5. What are you passionate about?
6. What is your biggest Pet Peeve
7. Who do you admire? ..Explain
Of course I have ulterior motives for this challenge. I need to fill out a questionaire to be on a reality show (if you can't beat 'em join 'em!). Other than my life long pet peeve of plastic wrap i'm drawing a blank at what to write. Hoping I can steal some of your witty answers!
for the love of the most hilarious holy things:
i just noticed that on hick's post of a few days past she referred to herself as "hickatron."
man i can't stop laughing!
(why did i not notice this hilarity sooner? i can't take it. i have just peed my pants.)
Ode to Tom
Hello there Tom,
Our brand new friend
We hear you have
Some cheer to lend
What you've got
Is a top blog list
And we are contenders
How can we resist?
We write and write
And write some more
For our own pleasure
Our stories and lore.
We joke and kid
We giggle and snort
Thinking no one is reading
We blog for sport
But here you have found us
In our own little world
On the pages of blogger
We are scarcely heard
Tom wants to shout
From cyber treetop and roof:
"Our Five Cents
Is no longer aloof!"
We will please the masses,
Our audience will know
About our silly lives
From Cali to Toronto
And Montreal too
See? You just nevah know
Who is reading and waiting
To make your blog a show
If we go forth with Tom
And his merry, merry men
In no time at all
We might blog the Top Ten.
Ode to OOTG
Here's a poem for a lovely dame
She is one of the girls
And that is her name.
Devoted to friends, family
And the C
She is eloquent with words
This biotch is classy!
Sometimes I neglect
To praise her good work
Like beautifying our blog
And the food that she cook
She feeds us brownies
Until we could burst
She makes a mean Molotof
And pours water for our thirst
So OOTG, OOTG
Do not fret
Though I don’t always say it
I do not forget
The little things you do
You are one special lass
And a damn fine friend
Thanks for complimenting my ass.
La la la... the sun is supposed to come out - though now it is raining - and it will be a beautiful day!
Hickteeth skips to her car, in anticipation of a wonderful morning. Then she remembers : the dentist appointment she has this afternoon. That's ok! Her new dentist is kind and gentle and so far so good. She's sure it will be fine! She unlocks the door - what's this? - a ticket? Hicky checks the signs and sure enough, it is the only place she can't park between 8AM-9AM. Fair enough. She should have looked at the parking indicators more closely.
Bus ticket in pocket - she put it there so that there would be no struggles at the bus stop, Hick makes her way to the bus shelter, sees her bus - 3 minutes early - pass before her as she walks to the stop. No problem, another one will come soon, says the lady waiting for the bus with her. The lady talks to her until the next bus comes and as they enter the bus where Hickster reaches in her pocket to find - that it's empty. The ticket is lost.
Another ticket later, the ride begins standing and ends standing - no seats today.
As the dentist appointment approaches, Hick sees the sun come out. Lovely! A sign of things to come.
A strange and new experience, the dentist replaces one filling with another. It is Hick's first experience with a "dental dam" and though she has heard wonderful things about them, she had never really associated them with the actual dentist before. This experience is not something she'd choose to repeat, though it did not cause too much disturbance or pain.
Mirror in hand, Hickatron checks out the new filling and what a beaut it is. No more ugly silver for her.
Swallow this - says the dentist and off goes Hick to the bathroom with her cup of activated charcoal. The black mud dribbles down her chin as hick realises her handicapped ability to swallow and keep liquids in her mouth - it being frozen and all. She tries to smile and a stretched, half-grimace looks back at her. Lips, tongue and teeth covered in the black powder.
Several mouthfuls of water later, she's on the street back to work - a little woozy and over-tired.
Flashback to the night before when Cuddles arrives at home an hour and a half late, waking Hick out of her first 5 mins of sleep - keeping her up while he showers and then promtly falls into a deep sleep. Hickypoo is still up. And quite exhausted.
Back to work, over-tired and under eating and swallowing capacity, our friend Hick is starting to feel that the sunny day is no longer reflecting her humours, which have taken a dip for the worse.
Her stomach growls and she reaches for her yoghurt which she hopes she can get down without too much mess.
Smacking and sucking sounds eminate from the flapping frozen lip, yoghurt escapes despite her best efforts, holding back tears of absolute exhaustion, Hick can do nothing more but log onto her favorite website and divulge her tale of woe. Woe and anguish.
She leans back in her chair at a job well done and quietly falls asleep... at work.
i swallowed the condom.
(again... apparently i didn't learn enough from the boardgame.)
actually, OMG i erased ms. ms.'s post! it was there 3 times, and as administrator i tried to clean up the blog! for the love of all things holy! ms.!! I AM SO FUCKING SORRY!
i think this deserves an entry of its own
but i'm not sure.
i can't be too confident that i know how to blog anymore. i have been beaten and battered by those i thought were my friends. all because of an entry. darlings, i thought we were above this. i was hoping the response to my entry would have been words of encouragement: way to go ootg, you're bloggin' again!; rock on blista*! and the like. i am hurt, and we are friends so i felt that i had to tell you. i know how you feel, and now you kow what is going on inside this head of mine.
onwards and upwards.
No Nuts on the Plane
There was a time when getting on an airplane was synonymous with getting a bad meal and a tiny packet of peanuts (that was really the only thing to carry you through that flight). Most airlines have now taken away the free bad meal forcing you to spend upwards of $7.00 if you want to eat preheated, unidentifiable grub. Every flight I say, “next flight I’m boing to pack my own snacks” . Every flight I forget and then have to make the choice between starving or ordering the Turkey Ham & Cream Cheese on Raisin Bread?!!! (I swear, no joke – they serve this disgusting combo on American Airlines!)
On my last flight I took a stand, no more bad expensive airplane food. I looked in my fridge and I prepared a delightful lunch and snack to last me through the 6 hour flight from LA to NY. I made a salad in disposable Tupperware, emptied the last of the wasabi cashews in a plastic baggie and grabbed a couple of cliff bars for a snack. I was ready for this flight.
“Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have a peanut allergy on board. We would appreciate it if you would refrain from eating any snacks you may have brought on board that contain nuts!”
Darn, I won’t be able to eat those wasabi cashews. Oh well, mmmmmmm, salad time. Wait a minute, I make a spinach, beet and walnut salad. If you are allergic to peanuts are you allergic to walnuts too? The flight attendant said “no nuts”. Oh well, I forgot a fork anyhow.
Stomach rumbling now. At least I can eat my Cliff bar chocolate chip cookie flavor. Shit, oh no, I didn’t! I grabbed the peanut and honey flavor. Now what?
So there I sat on the airplane grumbling about the fact that I couln’t eat any of my nut filled snacks. At least Jet Blue provides you with a spreadable cheese type object and crackers just before you land. Wish I had gone straight to OOTG’s seder. I would have been ready!
Issue with OOTG
One of the Girls, I really don't appreciate it when you take up precious blog space with a fake post like that. Save your everyday drivel to the comments section, or for your personal diary. When you post on Our 5 Cents, it had better be something worthwhile from now on. Like me splitting my pyjama bottoms, or Hickteeth forgetting her bra.
i figured i would write a post instead of just commenting
on the other hand: nah.
(a girl's gotta work for a living! she can't eat lunch with hickteeth AND blog! sheeshola!)
Split Me Trousers!
This morning, I pressed the remote control button to turn on CityTV and plopped down on my couch. I heard a very distinct "RIIIIIIP"-ing sound and thought... was that the couch pillow? I stood, touching delicately along my backside, and yes sir, that sound was the sound of my pyjama pants tearing evenly and completely down the rear. My ass crack was exposed. I can wear the pants no longer.
So, this is a tribute to my most favourite pair of Urban Outfitter's pyjama pants, their drawstring at the side, their light weight and soft cotton, their stripes of shades of brown and blue, pants that have been around the world.... how I will miss them.
In addition, this is a tribute to my ass, which I thought fit into those pyjama pants perfectly. I wasn't the one eating all the desserts at the OOTG's house on Passover! My ass should not be one to rip pants! But, my bum, in all its glory, is capable of such things. And for this, I commend it.
Are those Brownies?
a.k.a. It's just not Passover until you feel like you're going to barf.
Why, when we normally do not eat even one pan of sweet potato, do we eat TWO pans at passover?
Why, when we normally do not dip our fingers into the brownie pan once, do we dip many times on this night?
Why, when we do not normally lean to the left, are we forced to lean (due to over consumption) on this night?
Because.. it's passover. That's why.
For all of those who do not remember what it means to have a passover meal at the OOTGs. Let me refresh :
1. You sit, and though already hungry (or is that just me?) you read through - or blast through sometimes - the Haggadah. No pauses here, food is waiting! And we are thinking about it.. I mean .. we take the time to think about the suffering of our ancestors... and matzoh balls.
FULLNESS LEVEL : 1
3. Salad with hard boiled eggs, gefilte fish, more marror... basically a full meal as Appetizer #1 - yes only #1.
FULLNESS LEVEL 5
4. Matzoh ball soup amidst many compliments to the gramma-chef. Nothing funny to add here. Matzoh balls just don't lend themselves to good humour. Sorry.
FULLNESS LEVEL : 7 (uh oh)
5. The meal : need I go into details about this? Imagine all the food on the planet, then divide it in two. We got one half, the rest of the population got the other.
FULLNESS LEVEL : 13.5
6. Desert. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I think I am going to barf all over myself already (but it would probably taste good coming up - sweet potato heaven). Then come out the 2 cakes, 3 cookie varietals and of course... the straw that broke Hickteeth's button : the brownines.
FULLNESS LEVEL : Can't-Swallow-as-Food-is-Backing-up-Esophagus-Into-Mouth.
I am proud to say that after one piece of cake, 3 cookies,one taste of other cake forced upon me by OOTG and one short food fight over gelatinous coating of cake-I-didn't-want (OOTG's mother yelled at us for laughing too loud) I only had 2 brownies. Maybe 3. And one macaroon on the way home in the car.
I tried not to over-do it this year.
So, You Think My Mum's A Kook?
You think my mother is kooky because she doesn't like how I blow my nose? Well, listen to this:
My mum saw a TV commercial that she found so over-the-top appalling and grotesque that she actually wrote to the company to complain. They wrote back, thanking her for the feedback, and apologizing for any anguish the advertisement may have caused, but stating that it would not be pulled from broadcast because it was well-received by a focus group. She wrote back to say that the world must be in a sorry state for commercials like that to be considered entertainment.
What commercial caused all this fanfare?
The Dentyne Frost Bites ad where the guy's head freezes and falls off, and everyone in the car screams. The first time my mother EVER writes to a company, it's because of this ad. The only word that comes to mind is: Crochety. My mother is becoming crochety.
Overheard at the Ms.' House...
Mrs: "Yesterday I cut everyone very small pieces of cheesecake. How much do you want today?"
Mr: " More than yesterday."
Mrs: "A sliver?"
Mr: "A slaver."
Ms. Ms.: (giggling fit... a slaver!!)
Mrs (to Mr): "Remember that time someone tweaked your tussie in the gym locker room?"
Mrs (to Ms.): "You never were very good at blowing your nose".
Ms (to Brother): "Just because something is for sale, it doesn't mean you BUY IT!!" (referring to 11 year old 46" TV, which would make his 4th TV at home.. BTW, he bought it)
Aunt R: "I think we'll head home now because Ms. Ms. is sick and coughing and.... I'm sure she'd rather be alone." (what she WANTED to say is that she felt icky around my germs!!!)
Mr: "Now, I'm no expert on purses...."
Mrs: "By now you should be!!!"
Mrs: "I always thought Hickteeth was pretty"
Ms. Ms: "Well, Mum, you were always right."
Mrs: "Ms. M, one of these days, you are going to have to learn how to hork up your phlegm."
I'm a Sickass
My last 24 hours have been less than fun. I woke up, sick, then stressed the whole day about how I am going to manage all the things I need to do for the rest of the week, seeing no possible way to stay home from work. I came up with at least 10 scenarios on how I can alter my workload to allow my body the much-needed "get well" time.
Drank a cup of tea, a glass of water with liquid Echinecea, had an Advil and a Zinc losenge and headed to work. Thankfully, felt much better at work. Unfortunately, work was insane. I went straight from 8-1 with no break and then headed to my prenatal class, ate lunch in the cab over.
I left prenatal class after my teaching portion (approx 2:10pm). Felt no guilt due to my sorry, sickass state, and the fact I have worked hours and hours of overtime and will do so again on Friday due to an insane workload.
Got home... went to bed. Slept 3 hours. Woke up to call my girlfriends to pathetically apologize for being incapacitated and probably not being able to host the lovely cooking and martini party I had planned for them. This was my greatest fear in this sniffling, coughing, fuzzy-head experience: having to alter my social life. And Hickteeth is in town!! HICKTEETH IS IN TOWN!
By the way, total food intake today: small bowl cereal, 1 cookie, 2 slices whole wheat bread, 30g light havarti cheese, 1 apple, 4 strawberries. Total fluid intake: 2 cups. This is not taking care of myself, is it? I forgot: about 5 Zinc losenges. That can be considered a viable nutrient intake, right? RIGHT?
So, I went back to bed with a Tylenol Cold Nighttime Tablet, box of kleenex by my bedside and proceeded to sleep until now... 3:30 AM. I actually felt pretty OK when I woke up. That Tylenol stuff is a miracle drug or something! I hope (maybe even pray) that I feel this OK when I re-awaken at a decent hour. BUT... willl I be able to sleep again? Have I slept out all the sleepin' I gots in me?
Tomorrow is going to be brutal. I have 8 patients to see in my fully-booked clinic, and then on the inpatient unit: an eating disordered girl, a newly-transferred preemie, and failure-to-thrive kid who might need tube feeding, plus I have a list of phone calls to return. That's al I know I have to do. Hopefully there will be no new consults. I am not sure how I can do this all in one day, feeling so sick.
My only saving grace is that Footloose is on (how awesome?! they play Footloose at 3AM!). And of course this blogging. Miss Kay, I hope I didn't take away from your post: it was funny. Girls, don't skip over Miss Kay's post. I just wanted to get some pity, and capture this 3:50AM blogging moment, because I really am screwed tomorrow.
Just in case I had forgotten, It’s Official. I live in Hollywood.
How many people do you know with breast implants? Cheek implants? Butt implants? Nose Jobs? Do you know people who go for facial peels and cellulite removal on a weekly basis. Do you have a friend who’s lost 150 pounds through gastro-bypass surgery? If you can answer at least 5 – well then you probably live in Hollywood!
It’s so normal here I don’t really think about it. Most everyone I associate with here has had “work” done. I’m sure if I stay here long enough I will get something done myself (actually the anti cellulite treatment sounds really awesome!) I think I’ve grown so accustomed to it that I don’t think about it.
That is, I don’t think about it until you have to deal with it. Like for instance. What is the proper etiquette when you meet your friend for coffee and her lips are swollen to Angela Jolie proportions?
Do you –
a) Ignore -Drink your coffee chat about the weather, “wow, there has been a lot of sun here lately”
b) Politely Address - Smile and say, “hmmm, something looks different about you, have you lost weight?”
c) Point and Laugh “ What the fuck happened to you? Did you get your lips caught in the door?”
d) Other– Please submit your own answer
After hearing your response I will tell you how the actual situation played out!
"Our 5 Cents" In a Nutshell
On the 4 active "Our 5 Centsers" behalf, I have composed this blog to alert Miss Kay to the most rip-roaring and funny trials, tribulations and poignant discoveries that have been captured from her last post to her current post. We are so glad to have her back, and hope she starts impressing her daily rituals and routines upon us.
MISS KAY, WHAT YOU MISSED
in chronological order
(and no, i do not have TIME to compose this blog at work, I just FEEL like it, DAMMIT!)
Blog-sessed , poem in 6 verses by Hickteeth
Enjoy Hickteeth's confession. And it rhymes
who was where when (and why)
Here, OOTG explains our story, past and present
A collection of terminology related to Blogging
this conversation is brought to you by O and T
OOTG and Tali spend a day blogging, with hilarious results!
Graphic Entries by a Non-Graphite
Hickteeth's top 10 reasons why she loves her period
"tying up" some "loose ends"
What will Hickteeth do the day she forgets to wear a bra?? Read and find out.
or, the process. Also check out "The Process" in Engrish
What the @$#& were we thinking?
Oh, the things we came up with at the tender age of 18
Tali tells us about life in San Fran
Vomit by Ms. Ms. and Hickteeth (circa 1992)
More reminiscing of our little projects of the past
Hickteeth gets a glimpse into the sexlife of OOTG and the C
Well, my work here is done. Other girls, please feel free to add your favourites, let's give Miss Kay a chance to catch up.
"Wake Up, Wake Up, Brush Your Teeth"
What a start to a Tuesday. The above little ditty is now stuck in my head for the day, I'm sure.
"Wake Up, Wake Up, Brush Your Teeth".
A Philipino mum was singing it to her baby, as she tried to bottlefeed her. The child weighs under 5 lb, and was bundled up in pyjamas, a fleecy blanket and had her little pink hat on. Of course a preemie would rather sleep than eat, especially when cozy and warm like that. So the nurse stepped in on the little ditty and subtle rocking of the baby to awake her and little Gerry-Lynn got unwrapped and opened her eyes.
"Wake Up, Wake Up, Brush Your Teeth".
Back with the feeding, back with the little ditty. Preemies don't have teeth, Mommy!!!
Then Gerry-Lynn puked. Mum reclined her a little bit and was scolded by the nurse, who was inserting an IV in another child, for not burping her sooner, and was told to tilt her forward, so that she doesn't choke and so all the gooey formula goodness can spill over mum's pants.
"Wake Up, Wake Up, Brush Your Teeth".
Once wiped free of vomit, Gerry-Lynn finished her bottle.
I hope this song is now in your heads, and not in mine!!!