A Toothbrush in my Pussy
Yes, that's right you read the title correctly.
I just discovered that my cat likes to eat my toothbrush!
I've had the cat for four months. I've had the toothbrush longer. I've used it many a times. How long has this cat been licking, biting, chewing my toothbrush.
The faint taste of cat food in my mouth, the odd hair ball I cough up. IT's all making sense now.
Lesson learned. The NEW toothbrush gets a case and will be kept in the medicine cabinet.
But what else does she get into while we are gone?! Must mount the secret kitty cam!
A Seriously Shizzite Situation : follow along if you can
Well ladies, here is my current situation. Y'all know where I work, so I don't have to publish it on this here public forum, now do I? I thought not. Let's just call it: Work A.
In December, I got a call from Work B (yes B) about a potential new position for me. It was one short interview and I was told that nothing would happen until the new year and so I sat tight. Tight as a bug in a rug who wasn't snug, but was tight.
Well, I got a call recently from Work B and started a few negotiations, but the interesting thing about Work B is that they couldn't tell me what the job was, exactly, and they talked about their client in a secretive manner, "Client X" (confusing enough for you?)
Meanwhile, back at Work A, we found out that our Client (Client Z) was calling for new proposals since our contract was up. There was no guarantee that Work A would continue, if Client Z hired a new company,
Is anyone putting 2 and 2 together? Cuz I didn't until my MOTHER pointed it out (thanks mom).
Well, today I found out that Work A lost the contract and that Client Z hired Work B to do it. And Work B has since told me that no one from Work A (except ME) will be hired by Work B. Also, no one at Work A knows yet, except ME.
Needless to say I feel like crap today, lucky on the one hand, and pretty awful on the other, since I know that all these good people will be out of work pretty soon.
It's like I'm crossing the picket line or something. Though I know I'm not.
The even crappier part is that the bosses at Work A have not told anyone anything and have known for about 3 weeks already.
I am meeting with Work B tomorrow evening to discuss my working with them, but I pretty much have no leverage anymore since without Work B, I have no job. Still, at least I might have a job at all... and should be thankful. Right? right?
(if you can got through this post and understood it, 12 gold stars!!!)
The Minds of Teenagers a.k.a. Not For the Faint of Heart (or faint of bum)
Get out your Depends ladies, because you WILL be pissing in your pants…
Let me start this post with an excerpt from a poem written by OOTG and Hick together… it begins :
“Hello Hick my lesbo buddy. How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
One the way you lick your lips ever so lovingly
And two the sparkle in thine pools one tends to call eyes
Three is the way you stick your tongue btwn my thise… [sp error on purpose –ed.]”
“How do I love thee…
A: How you can ruin any song on cue
2) How you always have a “special something” planned every wk-ened for me and you
c) how last week it was naked knitting
d) how next week end its in-the-c**t-spitting (i.e. cunnilingus)…”
Well I think you guys get the picture. Expect nothing more mature or less about sex than this for the rest of the post. If this offends – abort! Abort now!!
So now onto the piece de resistance :
EXCERPTS FROM THE LIFE AND TIMES OF OOTG: CIRCA 1993*
* not in chronological order, but in an order I found appropriate i.e., the order in which I read the notes and typed up the excerpts
Aug 25, 1993
“…Steven S had a girlfriend! She’s so gross. They like walk through school holding hands, they walked by me & V and the two of us almost died – I had a full spaz attack…”
“…F is so hot & good. Help Hick, I’m going to have one of those things that we talked about whether or not we faked, right now. Ok Ok I have to change the subject or I will stick to the seat when I try to stand up…”
Nov 15, 1993
“…I’m sitting in Humanities-a-la-I-won’t-comment-on-the-physical-appearance-of-my-teacher…”
“Why does the world revolve around sex? Maybe if I was getting more of it, I would not be so in constant thought of it. Perhaps fuckage of D is in order. Oh, but I can’t cuz he’s barely aware of my existence” [ has that ever stopped anyone before? –ed. ]
Feb 3, 1993 [a little long, but worth it –ed.]
“…his arms and hands of great gentleness and beauty for their usage of guitar strengthening, will reach out to me and bring me in. They shall caress my body ever so lovingly and will show me at last the magic which is held within his loins of majesty. [loins of majesty? Are they the king of his body? –ed.] The organ on his facial beauty (which at times digests the wondrous nutrients of the caf) in their juicy pinkish red fullness shall brush my counterparts with sweetness and fill my blood pumping organ of life with the joy I am not at liberty to disclose to you…”
“..till this hour shall come to be I will…reminisce among the memories of his largely marvelous buttocial expertise enveloped in Levi’s of wondrous wearing of his choice…”
[I don’t think it makes grammatical sense, but it’s poetry, isn’t it –ed.]
Feb 15, 1993
“…I just looked at the piece of paper in front of me and it had “D B” written all over it. Hick, this is seriously very serious. Something has to be done!!”
“…we’re never noisy, obnoxious, annoying – are we?” [us? Never. –ed.]
“…and take me back to his place and we’d do X-Rated things with and to each other (I don’t think explanations are needed). What must be recognized is that he is not an ex-con (GOOD THING) but if he smells and is hairy (BAD THING) will he kiss really well (DEPENDS THING) and will the sex be good (AWESOME THING).”
Nov 12, 1993
“These are the things that I could possibly be doing right now :
1. Actually partake in the watchage of the movie which is being viewed in my Humanities-a-la-really-ugly-teacher
5. make mad, passionate, lusty, rough, coarse, steamy and AMAZING love to D (a real possibility [coarse? How does one make coarse love? –ed.]
But instead I have chosen to write to you my lovely…”
“…she says all I gotta do is flirt just a bit if all I want from him is one thing. Which is fine with me because I think that there is barely anything that attracts me to his personality…”
Feb 11, 1993
“…and I feel that subscribing to this sense of loneliness and need, lust, wanting etc… should not be the primary concern of our lives and organs of thinking and loins of needing…”
“…oh to have those wondrous guitar fondling bodily extremities caress my soft skin…”
Feb 16, 1993
“…the guy in front of me and to the right of me is really and truly gross. Jap alert here … he’s wearing a lavender shiney-ish sweater, has really dirty fingernails [EW! –ed.] and has dark matted gross hair with very [note “very” was underlined 4 times –ed.] bad dandruff. YUCKY! I can’t take bad dandruff”
“On that night when our bodies intertwine (X-RATED) (Yah, like it will every happen) What shall I do, what shall I do? Perhaps I’ll cling tenaciously to his buttocks (Yes, both of them!)”
“…I feel the Golden Arches of Gourmet Food calling us intensely at 11:30 in the am. Wanna Attend?”
Nov 24, 1993
“Guess where I am. Here’s something for you : I’m in humanities-a-la-my-teacher-is-quite-gross-and-is-wearing-a-repulsive-outfit…”
March 16, 1993
“…I just attract sleazes in basement bars and old gross men wearing EAU DE GROSS PERSON STANDING OVER ME AND TALKING TO ME ON THE BUS on the bus!”
“I made a promise to myself this morning that I wouldn’t 1) Eat Chocolate 2) Be obnoxious 3) Skip classes. Needless to say, I managed to break 1&2 by 10:30 this morning.”
“hi, it’s me, coming to you live from the floor of your upstairs hall….and I see S in the room which I was wishing to occupy in order that I “clear my system” … and I would not dare to use those in your parents’ room because of prior experiences and so forth [reader : if you don’t know what she’s referring to – ask me, I’m happy to explain –ed.] … S has freed herself from the depths of the room…but in attempts at inconspicuality, I shall wait a moment or two.”
And Finally the last one, entitled “A Poem for Hickteeth” (excerpts)
“Hick, you’re the hen
who lays us in the morn…
We want R and B [rhymes with “hair” –ed.]
But much prefer your public hair
…and try so hard not to stare
when removing your underwear…
so let’s get some dental dams
from the corner convenience store
we like it a lot
when you hit the g-spot”
The poo-poo song
I found this this morning and boy oh boy did it make my day! And took the edge off coming back to work...
Also - a word of advice - for the love of all things holly and new in the new year - do NOT take Cod Liver Oil in the morning on an empty stomach. I have what I think is some kind of heart burn (it's a new feeling that I hope to never have again) and am burping up lemony fish oil. Oy vey-smere.
And here is a little tempter as to what my next posting will be :
during my vacation time, I looked through some old boxes and found not 1, not 2 but MANY old letters from OOTG during our CEGEP (read : crude and dirty teenage) years.
Blog name : "OOTG - Circa 1993"
Wait for it...