our 5 cents
Monday, November 28, 2005
  Graphic entries by a non-graphite
Or : why I love my period.

1. Cramps are the most wonderful, truly female feeling known to man, I mean woman. Nothing I love more than waking up, wondering if I'm drowning in my own blood, afraid to tilt into the "vertical position" for fear of "gravity taking its toll" with a nice vice-like gripping cramp. Well, not much anyway.
2. I truly enjoy worrying about toxic-shock (yes, the 'pon is preferable to the pad despite risk of death) all day, calculating hours of wearage of 'pon, running up 2 flights of stairs at work hiding tube of cotton (obvious pocket bulge despite best efforts), and fumbling in a small closet-of-a-stall only to drop 'pon on floor/in toilet/down pants and then have to touch the stainless steel box of uterus-ensoaked-paraphernalia.
3. Bouts of irritation or anger. Actually, I don't mind these so much.
...moving along
4. No sex. Others may argue that a dark room and a red towel will suffice to allow for comfortable period sex, but truthfully, I am usually not ready and willing to have something else go up there anymore. Much as I love inserting things into my twat, I have introduced and removed enough times for one day not to warrant a) removal of possibly one an hour old 'pon (ow!) b) hopefully good sex with careful consideration to cramps and % leakage of stain causing fluids c) cleaning up super-mess as partner sleeps soundsly (don't worry he'll wake up in the morning thinking he had some horrible accident and then realising that it's just dried uterus) b) re-insertion of fresh 'pon (possibly : ow! again). conclusion : NO THANK YOU
5. Dogs follow me home. Periods have a smell. No doubt about it. Washing 5x a day won't help either. Neither will the bidet (OOTG!). Hey, it's not necessarily a bad smell, it just exists, that's all. I've even smelled it on other girls (enter gag noises). C'est vrai! Possibly a pheremone thing for men, biologically speaking : i.e., not ovulating, move along, move along.
6. Desperately seeking all things carbular. Washing 5x a say won't help.. oh wait, that's #4.. I mean, eating muffins and bread won't help. I still want more. Eating 5x a day might help.
7. It's great when you have to go out and buy clothes for an Xmas dinner you don't want to go to anyway. a) Irritation a given b) 5 extra period-pounds take task past the torturous point and right into the I'll even let someone "help" me at the store saying things to her like "I have a dinner to go to and I .. I just... don't.... know........". Basically I am either homicidal or suicidal or both. I bought a plain black skirt that doesn't even look good anyway. It was either that or throw myself under a car.
8. My dad told me to go to the dinner "in my underwear"
9. Yes, I know #8 had nothing to do with the list.
10. This is the last number.
Wow, periods sure sound bad. I wouldn't know. I have never felt a cramp in my life, mine last 2.5 days and I don't have the option of sex anyway.
wow, way to show compassion ms. ms., some friend you are!
empathy aside, i have to really tell you HOW HARD this post made me laugh OUT LOUD! oh man the whole thing about taking a less-than-hour-old tampon out just to have sex and then the extreme pain to re-insert after something else had been rubbing in there... now THAT WAS A GOOD DESCRIPTION!
hick, i am sorry you are feeling crappy and crappy. a positive spin on this would be that we only spend 1/4 of our month like this! (ahahahahahahah).
i didn't know you felt this way about the skirt. perhaprs i could have been more "forthcoming" on the phone "earlier"...
(then again i DID say i would go shopping wiht you tomorrow, and you wnet ahaead and took care of business all on your own...)
in summary: rock on period girl!
re-reading this entry for the thousandth time because it is still making me laugh, i am forced to comment on #1... itkwym about "gravity taking its toll"... i thought that only happened to ME! oh hick, THANK YOU for shedding light on the not oft discussed issssssues surrounding our monthly bleed. THANK YOU.
First off Ms. Ms. you ALWAYS have the option of sex - as many have been quick to point out to me, we just seem to have this thing called "discerning taste" which will elicit the "no thank you" response. Also you seem to have been having lots of option these days (see Ms. Ms's blog) hey waitaminit, now I'm putting ads up here!
As for your period description : fuck you.
The End.
Exunt Hickteeth.
"exunt" hickteeth
(exunt implies there are more than one of you, which make it even a trillion times funnier that you used that!)
omg i can't stop laughing.
Really? Is it the plural of "exit"?
I always wondered about that... I always just thought it was "Shakespearian" for Exit...
Oh well.
The Hickteeths (all of us)
yes hickteeths, exunt is the plural of the verb to exit in latin (or olde english i guess.) when shakespeare used it, i think there was more than one person exiting, hence exunt.
we learn something new every day! (some days the something is more interesting than others, but new nonetheless.)what a joy life is.
Isn't HickTEETH 's name already plural? Therefore, exunt would be redundant, or appropriate. Whichever. I'm confused.
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Previously on Our 5 Cents
a bit confus
one laugh for you and one clarification
The End of the Vaj Comments
Today's Ro drama.
Let's Do It
on actually having to work
...and you are...???
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