Graphic entries by a non-graphite
Or : why I love my period.
1. Cramps are the most wonderful, truly female feeling known to man, I mean woman. Nothing I love more than waking up, wondering if I'm drowning in my own blood, afraid to tilt into the "vertical position" for fear of "gravity taking its toll" with a nice vice-like gripping cramp. Well, not much anyway.
2. I truly enjoy worrying about toxic-shock (yes, the 'pon is preferable to the pad despite risk of death) all day, calculating hours of wearage of 'pon, running up 2 flights of stairs at work hiding tube of cotton (obvious pocket bulge despite best efforts), and fumbling in a small closet-of-a-stall only to drop 'pon on floor/in toilet/down pants and then have to touch the stainless steel box of uterus-ensoaked-paraphernalia.
3. Bouts of irritation or anger. Actually, I don't mind these so much.
4. No sex. Others may argue that a dark room and a red towel will suffice to allow for comfortable period sex, but truthfully, I am usually not ready and willing to have something else go up there anymore. Much as I love inserting things into my twat, I have introduced and removed enough times for one day not to warrant a) removal of possibly one an hour old 'pon (ow!) b) hopefully good sex with careful consideration to cramps and % leakage of stain causing fluids c) cleaning up super-mess as partner sleeps soundsly (don't worry he'll wake up in the morning thinking he had some horrible accident and then realising that it's just dried uterus) b) re-insertion of fresh 'pon (possibly : ow! again). conclusion : NO THANK YOU
5. Dogs follow me home. Periods have a smell. No doubt about it. Washing 5x a day won't help either. Neither will the bidet (OOTG!). Hey, it's not necessarily a bad smell, it just exists, that's all. I've even smelled it on other girls (enter gag noises). C'est vrai! Possibly a pheremone thing for men, biologically speaking : i.e., not ovulating, move along, move along.
6. Desperately seeking all things carbular. Washing 5x a say won't help.. oh wait, that's #4.. I mean, eating muffins and bread won't help. I still want more. Eating 5x a day might help.
7. It's great when you have to go out and buy clothes for an Xmas dinner you don't want to go to anyway. a) Irritation a given b) 5 extra period-pounds take task past the torturous point and right into the I'll even let someone "help" me at the store saying things to her like "I have a dinner to go to and I .. I just... don't.... know........". Basically I am either homicidal or suicidal or both. I bought a plain black skirt that doesn't even look good anyway. It was either that or throw myself under a car.
8. My dad told me to go to the dinner "in my underwear"
9. Yes, I know #8 had nothing to do with the list.
10. This is the last number.