our 5 cents

HUGE

2008-11-25T20:03:00.002-05:00

Can I get any bigger? Really? Is it possible?

I have to say ladies - I'm starting to wonder why it is that we have evolved passed fins, being four-legged, and lack of language abilities - but we still haven't managed to figure out how to get these kids grown and out easier?

Isn't there a way to just beam him out? or grow him like a seed in a potting plant?

Can you tell I'm reaching the grumpy stages of le pregnancy??

ARGH!

I'm a maniac... maniac... with the posts....

2008-11-14T11:48:00.003-05:00

Ok, had to share, my new favorite song:

Here are the lyrics

It's totally hilarious.

You guys have anything to share?

I've been enjoying watching Entourage, being alone (Cuddles is away a lot these days), doing yoga and being generally boring...

you?

You'll wonder how you ever lived without these...

2008-11-11T14:57:00.003-05:00

Ladies, these websites came into my life at just the right moment. I mean, with the work problems happening, and life just not living up to its potential... well, what says SNAFU better than...

Wah wah wahhhhhh

...and for those one-liners about going on EI, there's nothing like a little back up...

Ba boom Ching!

hours, and I mean HOURS of fun await.

Your Crotch???

2008-10-30T21:57:00.001-04:00

Really? Is that what we girls deserve after a year of absence and longing? Your crotch? Couldn't you do any better than that?

... Oh, I think 2 birds just flew into my window outside. 2 birds, dying at the sight of YOUR CROTCH.

Here I go again...

2008-10-30T15:22:00.003-04:00

Should I do it?

Dare I take on this mountain of a challenge and update this decrepit, crochety old, crumbling blog?

As I type dust is blowing off the screen, stinging my eyes, but not dampening my spirit.

Is it possible to resurrect a page that has been OOC for over a YEAR my lady friends, over a year... Which rhymes with tear.... the weight of which weighs on my cheek like a bird shot out of the sky on a cold autumn night. Gone before its prime, it lies dead on the ground, surrounded by other dead bird blogs, beautiful and ripe with both potential and the stench of a thing in the fridge long forgotten.... But I digress...

Well ladies, don’t ask me why (because I’m bored) and don’t think I’m passing judgment (on all you lazy ass mofos), but here I am, updating the blog.

Only, I have nothing to update it with. Except that I am missing this part of my life, wherein I can write whatever I choose and publish it here, in a forum of friends.

OK, in order to save this post from being a total wash, I will include this shot of my crotch, taken during one dark night of heavy drinking (3 drinks is all I need to start acting like a douchebag) and karaoke* (I’m pretty sure I “rocked the mic like a vandal” in the words of Vanilla Ice). It's not even a "nice" shot of my legs, nor is it particularly "attractive", but I add it for your pleasure, but hopefully not other people's pleasure. So feel blessed y'all, feel blessed.

*Song list included: Bootylicious, Quit Playin’ Games With my Heart (yes, the BSB), and a sincere and heartfelt rendition of “Faith”.

So... before this river becomes an ocean ladies, before you throw my heart back on the floor... please. Post.

That's my 5 cents.

2008-01-25T00:43:00.001-05:00

Ladies..I done tagged y'all! :)

Follow-Up

2007-10-03T18:07:00.000-04:00

So, now that you all know that Cuddles actually popped the ol' question... I bet you want to know what ring he chose.

Well, here it is, the ring that made me think, "YES! I am definitely and positively in love with you"

Warning : do not stare directly into the eyes, I think bad things might happen.

Sorry for the crappy pic, it's from the "photo booth" option on the Mac, which is fun, but sucky. The flash makes the ring look a little scarier than it is, and please note the rhinestone (courtesy OOTG apparently) that is double-sided taped to its tongue. HEART.

All Hail The King of Subtlety

2007-08-16T16:07:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you all miss my "overheard at the Cuddles' Hick household" posts, so here's another (possibly future plans giveaway?) addition.

Cuddles (removing his engineer pinky ring) : Hey, do you think this would fit on your thumb?
Hick (taking ring) : uh, no probably not. (Tries it on) It fits on my third finger...

Hick is now brushing her teeth, getting ready for bed.

Cuddles, from bedroom : Hey! Is this your jewellry case?
Hick : muphbrrr bllll muuurm (foam coming out of mouth)
Cuddles : can I look in it?
Hick : uhhh - hunnn
Cuddles, opening case : Wow! look at all these rings*!
Hick, now in bedroom too : yeah, I don't wear any of them. giggle.
Cuddles : what's funny?
Hick : nothing.
Cuddles: this one looks big, does it fit you?
Hick : yeah, it goes on my middle finger.

We continue talking about the rings for a few minutes, then climb into bed. We talk about what-not. Finally...

Hick : Were you trying to find out my ring size?
Cuddles : laughing... yeah...
HIck : Boy, you're the king of subtlely.

Anyway, we talked about it a little more. Me, once again (this must be time #438) telling him that I don't wear rings, or much of any jewellry, and that I don't need a ring.

If he ever actually bites the bullet and pops the question - please all of you act surprised, ok? And don't search my hand for a ring, cuz there probably won't be one!

*my high school graduation ring, a ring I made at camp when I was 12, an adjustable ring from my childhood.

Same Same, but Different

2007-06-18T17:51:00.000-04:00

Someone at work told me that when she was living in Viet Nam, this was the famous phrase that everyone used to make you think you were buying what you were asking for.
i.e., you: I'd like some red pants
vendor : same same, but different (as he held up blue pants)
so it was almost what you wanted...

Anyway this sentence came to mind as I thought about bringing you the story of how I had to run out at lunch to buy new underwear... are you all remembering the "same same, but different" story I am referring to?

the only difference is, I didn't forget to wear underwear, I wore GREEN underwear under a light WHITE skirt. Therefore boradcasting to the office the colour and shape of the panties (and by virtue of them, the size and shape of my ass as well).

I went to Shraeder's and bought some Jockey underwear - three pairs - as the guy gave me a deal. Well, I should have figured he was giving me a deal for a reason, I HATE them. They are really thin and shabby and the elastics are too tight such that I now have 4 ass cheeks, not 2.

The Ongoing Search for a TOE*

2007-05-28T16:55:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been struck with the unusual desire to have a pet name for Cuddles (other than “Cuddles”, which I don’t use IRL**. I mean, it’s cute online, but can you imagine calling out OH CUDDLES! in the middle of a rollickin’ good time?).
It’s not like I have no TOEs for him, I do have many ironic names, like :
1- “Jampants” – created after I noticed the large red stain around his crotchual area caused by Jam dropped there THE DAY BEFORE. I don’t want to delve into this any further. Suffice-it to say it led to an “argument” and the very unsettling realization that I was the woman living with the man who not only wears the same pair of pants many days in a row, but wears the same pair of JAM ENSOAKED pants.
2- Skinbits – I know, totally revolting, but the man virtually SHEDS in the wintertime. When he’s not around I just gather up a few flakes and make a clone. It works well… unless I sneeze.
3- Something McSomething – doesn’t really matter what you fill in there, it’s almost always funny. Must give props to Tali for bringing this Scottish nicknaming into my world. It’s been years, and I am still Totally McLoving it.
4- Hisname-y-poo – i.e., the ol’ standby. I do like this one as it is syrupy cute, and truthfully, I use it all the time. Still, could be nice to have something more original. Or is this original simply because no one actually uses this kind of nickname In Public, which I do.

Am I wacko for thinking about this kind of thing? OOTG and The C have cute Portuguese-suffix nicknames, and their nieces were playing “her nickname” and “his nickname” the other day : they were pretending to be all lovey and using the nicknames, so the story goes. I just think that playing “my name” and “his name” (fill in names here) would sound equivalent to playing the thrilling game “let’s toast some bread”.

I am open for suggestions, or brainstorming sessions.

Thanks OFCy-poos!

*term of endearment
** In Real Life

First Round Robin Ever

2007-04-15T02:18:00.000-04:00

OK girls... most of the first Round Robin letter ever was actually not that funny. It was probably not that funny because I was the one who started Round Robin, and I am the least funny of us girls. Anyway, without further ado, I will give you the first edition of Round Robin, in excerpts, which was written on February 15, back in 1994. Holy crap, are we old?!

It is the day after Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, by the way, is a crock o'shit. People should express their love for each other every day. They should also eat chocolate hearts and wear sexy red lace lingerie every day too! (just kidding). But seriously. Our school had a Valentine exchange where you pay $1 for someone to be delivered a carnation in class (Rod got one, but he wasn't in school to receive it-- I wonder who sent him one- it sure wasn't me!). So, all day, girls were parading around school with 2 or 3 carnations. Muriel is so funny- she goes: "it's as though the more carnations they get, the more their boyfriend loves them. Come on- they're just carnations! They're not ROSES!". It was funny. I guess you just had to be there".

Well, that wasn't quite funny, now was it? Let's try another excerpt.

"Have you ever watched the "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego show"? ... In the final round, the kids write on a card where in the states they want to go, if they win. Rod wants to go on the show, and draw a big penis on the card. When he wins, he holds it up for everyone! Just imagine it! I find that so funny! Rod sure is a funny guy. I want to know who that Valentine is from."

OK so we see I was totally obsessed with my ex-boyfriend back in February of 2004. It's time for another excerpt to see just how fascinating I was back in the winter of '04, at the tender age of 18.

"My dream come true! My Dad bought a mini tape recorder. Now I can tape Roop Jain to play for you. Hurrah! Isn't it? Yesterday, he was talking about the ionization energy of Beryllium. He was saying how hard it is to remove an electron. Here's how he described it: "Beryllium has constipation"! Everybody in class cracked up."

Nothing like a little Roop Jain to FINALLY get the laughter flowing, even in a crappy blog post. And for the last excerpt from Round Robin, #1, I bring to you a blast from our pasts...

"Oh one more thing. This is what JF said to me when I was going to lend him ID for his girlfriend. "Lend me your ID so I can get laid tonight". His plan was to get her really drunk... not like he wouldn't have gotten it ANYWAY."

Oh, the people in our lives who have come and gone... I am not sure who I miss the most. I am most greatful to you girls who, for years, tolerated my un-funny Round Robin letters. Yes, this is the best I could come up with for your entertainment today. Over 'n' out.

Nick and I

2007-03-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hey ladies,

So here is the tale - Nick and I are no longer. Email me and I'll fill you in....I'm just not ready to write it all out in a blog.

Tagged

2007-03-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

Hi guys,

I've tagged you all on my blog. WOOHOOO! Go check it out..I expect immediate responses.

How are you all? When is everyone coming to San Fran?

Hey Shenanigan - are you going to Coachella? I just got tickets....

:)

Cool Urinal

2007-02-27T22:20:00.000-05:00

Came across this Picture. I thought it was cool. Nobody has posted anything in a while so I'm sharing it's coolness with you!

Airmiles or Cashback

2007-02-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

You haven't forgotten me.
Well, atleast ms ms and Princess (thanks) haven't forgetten me. The rest of you i'm sure have your excuses.. jobs, blogs whatever.

So I have a new life problem plaguing me.

New Credit card offer - do I take the airmiles or the cash back

Airmiles is good on 21 different airlines. Each point you earn is equal to one mile.
25,000 pts = one north america round trip ticket

Cash back is 1% on every dollar spent
25,000 dollars = $250.00 in the bank

The cash is a given, and automatic. It's placed in an account every month (high yields savings account) you can't lose.

The airmiles are worth more but will I ever use them. I keep accumulating them but it seems everytime I want to book a flight using them, nothing is available.

Any thoughts?

Network Marketing - Scheme or Scam

2007-02-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

Okay - so as you all know from a posting a while back my friends are involved in a Network marketing program for a line of cosmetics, vitamins, weightlost and skin care company. (kind of like Mary-Kay but better -- or so they claim) They have been at it for 6 months. I have been watching from the side lines as they go to meetings, discuss marketing strategies, have "parties" etc. I've been watching as the greatest skeptic, trying to figure out the catch.

As I understand it, this is how it works. You sign up to sell the stuff. You get a percentage of everything you sell. Then you sign up people under you to sell the stuff and you get a percentage of everything they make, they sign up people who then sign up more people and so on and so on. The more people you sign up, and the more volume of your "team" ie: people under you sell, the greater your percentage rate is and the more money you make.

When you sign up - you get all the products at wholesale rates, so one could sign up, if they are just interested in getting the products for themselves and not selling them - which i think is primarily why people end up signing up in the first place.

Now here is the thing. I hate the idea of selling anything, even more of trying to sell my friends on things but as I've watched over the months I see my friends actually making money off of this. The original girl apparently now makes 3k a month. My friend who is about 2 tiers down from her said she made $500 last month.

Again, was still not convinced, until I ran out of my Vichy face wash and was like, what the hell, I'll buy some of this stuff from my friend and check it out. I actually like it! I got the face wash, scrub, toner and skin cream. Which came with a wrinkle syrum and eye cream which I totally forget to use but as OOTG told me in Vegas that we are at an age where we need to start thinking about this stuff.

So here is the thing. Now I'm thinking of signing up but I worry my good judgement is clouding being around these people. (it feels a little cultish the way they talk!)

I need the sanity of my blog sisters to tell me what the catch is. Is there a catch? Can it hurt to try it for a few months and see? It's not like I have anything better to do with my time (It's fashion week so there are no jobs until the end of March)

These are the products. https://www.arbonne.com/shop_online/shopOnline.asp
You can also check out the company so you can point out what the loop holes are and why everyone isn't doing this. Or you can tell me it's great and that I should sign up and you will sign up under me ; )

Ch-ch-ch-ch-CHANGES...

2007-02-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

Thanks to David Bowie for the overused, ever appropriate song.

So much is going on in the lives of OFC!!! not 1, not 2, but 3 of us are either changing or thinking about changing jobs, one of us is in Hawaii with their parents and one is being a major support to good ol' Hickteeth over here.

My annoucement is that I accepted my job offer. I got the same conditions as I do here - meaning, Friday afternoons off (See Ms Shenanigan - anything is possibile in the land of Montreal!) I was actually offfered to work 4 days a week, but the difference in salary was such that I said "ok! I'll work an extra few hours a week, and you pay me a lot more, thanks and thanks."

This is not a hilarious or long post, just one to keep you "posted".

-Posty McPosterson

A Toothbrush in my Pussy

2007-01-28T21:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right you read the title correctly.

I just discovered that my cat likes to eat my toothbrush!

EEEEEEWWWWWW.

I've had the cat for four months. I've had the toothbrush longer. I've used it many a times. How long has this cat been licking, biting, chewing my toothbrush.

EEEEEEWWWWWWW.

The faint taste of cat food in my mouth, the odd hair ball I cough up. IT's all making sense now.

EEEEEEWWWWWWW.

Lesson learned. The NEW toothbrush gets a case and will be kept in the medicine cabinet.

But what else does she get into while we are gone?! Must mount the secret kitty cam!

A Seriously Shizzite Situation : follow along if you can

2007-01-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

Well ladies, here is my current situation. Y'all know where I work, so I don't have to publish it on this here public forum, now do I? I thought not. Let's just call it: Work A.

In December, I got a call from Work B (yes B) about a potential new position for me. It was one short interview and I was told that nothing would happen until the new year and so I sat tight. Tight as a bug in a rug who wasn't snug, but was tight.
Well, I got a call recently from Work B and started a few negotiations, but the interesting thing about Work B is that they couldn't tell me what the job was, exactly, and they talked about their client in a secretive manner, "Client X" (confusing enough for you?)

Meanwhile, back at Work A, we found out that our Client (Client Z) was calling for new proposals since our contract was up. There was no guarantee that Work A would continue, if Client Z hired a new company,

Is anyone putting 2 and 2 together? Cuz I didn't until my MOTHER pointed it out (thanks mom).

Well, today I found out that Work A lost the contract and that Client Z hired Work B to do it. And Work B has since told me that no one from Work A (except ME) will be hired by Work B. Also, no one at Work A knows yet, except ME.

Needless to say I feel like crap today, lucky on the one hand, and pretty awful on the other, since I know that all these good people will be out of work pretty soon.

It's like I'm crossing the picket line or something. Though I know I'm not.

The even crappier part is that the bosses at Work A have not told anyone anything and have known for about 3 weeks already.

I am meeting with Work B tomorrow evening to discuss my working with them, but I pretty much have no leverage anymore since without Work B, I have no job. Still, at least I might have a job at all... and should be thankful. Right? right?

(if you can got through this post and understood it, 12 gold stars!!!)

Monkeys in Love

2007-01-17T12:09:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of the picture hanging above our living room couch. Yes it's a bit of a joke. But the real joke is the amount of people that have come through our house and not made any comment! There is a three foot painting of monkey's on our wall --- it's not really something you can overlook. Are people just too polite to comment. Do you think the neighbors/landlords just think it's our taste? It still makes me laugh everytime I look at it.

The Minds of Teenagers a.k.a. Not For the Faint of Heart (or faint of bum)

2007-01-05T15:58:00.000-05:00

Get out your Depends ladies, because you WILL be pissing in your pants…

Let me start this post with an excerpt from a poem written by OOTG and Hick together… it begins :

OOTG :
“Hello Hick my lesbo buddy. How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
One the way you lick your lips ever so lovingly
And two the sparkle in thine pools one tends to call eyes
Three is the way you stick your tongue btwn my thise… [sp error on purpose –ed.]”

Hick:
“How do I love thee…
A: How you can ruin any song on cue
2) How you always have a “special something” planned every wk-ened for me and you
c) how last week it was naked knitting
d) how next week end its in-the-c**t-spitting (i.e. cunnilingus)…”

Well I think you guys get the picture. Expect nothing more mature or less about sex than this for the rest of the post. If this offends – abort! Abort now!!

So now onto the piece de resistance :

EXCERPTS FROM THE LIFE AND TIMES OF OOTG: CIRCA 1993*

* not in chronological order, but in an order I found appropriate i.e., the order in which I read the notes and typed up the excerpts

Aug 25, 1993
“…Steven S had a girlfriend! She’s so gross. They like walk through school holding hands, they walked by me & V and the two of us almost died – I had a full spaz attack…”

“…F is so hot & good. Help Hick, I’m going to have one of those things that we talked about whether or not we faked, right now. Ok Ok I have to change the subject or I will stick to the seat when I try to stand up…”

Nov 15, 1993
“…I’m sitting in Humanities-a-la-I-won’t-comment-on-the-physical-appearance-of-my-teacher…”

“Why does the world revolve around sex? Maybe if I was getting more of it, I would not be so in constant thought of it. Perhaps fuckage of D is in order. Oh, but I can’t cuz he’s barely aware of my existence” [ has that ever stopped anyone before? –ed. ]

Feb 3, 1993 [a little long, but worth it –ed.]
“…his arms and hands of great gentleness and beauty for their usage of guitar strengthening, will reach out to me and bring me in. They shall caress my body ever so lovingly and will show me at last the magic which is held within his loins of majesty. [loins of majesty? Are they the king of his body? –ed.] The organ on his facial beauty (which at times digests the wondrous nutrients of the caf) in their juicy pinkish red fullness shall brush my counterparts with sweetness and fill my blood pumping organ of life with the joy I am not at liberty to disclose to you…”

“..till this hour shall come to be I will…reminisce among the memories of his largely marvelous buttocial expertise enveloped in Levi’s of wondrous wearing of his choice…”
[I don’t think it makes grammatical sense, but it’s poetry, isn’t it –ed.]

Feb 15, 1993
“…I just looked at the piece of paper in front of me and it had “D B” written all over it. Hick, this is seriously very serious. Something has to be done!!”

“…we’re never noisy, obnoxious, annoying – are we?” [us? Never. –ed.]

“…and take me back to his place and we’d do X-Rated things with and to each other (I don’t think explanations are needed). What must be recognized is that he is not an ex-con (GOOD THING) but if he smells and is hairy (BAD THING) will he kiss really well (DEPENDS THING) and will the sex be good (AWESOME THING).”

Nov 12, 1993
“These are the things that I could possibly be doing right now :
1. Actually partake in the watchage of the movie which is being viewed in my Humanities-a-la-really-ugly-teacher
…
5. make mad, passionate, lusty, rough, coarse, steamy and AMAZING love to D (a real possibility [coarse? How does one make coarse love? –ed.]
But instead I have chosen to write to you my lovely…”

“…she says all I gotta do is flirt just a bit if all I want from him is one thing. Which is fine with me because I think that there is barely anything that attracts me to his personality…”

Feb 11, 1993
“…and I feel that subscribing to this sense of loneliness and need, lust, wanting etc… should not be the primary concern of our lives and organs of thinking and loins of needing…”

“…oh to have those wondrous guitar fondling bodily extremities caress my soft skin…”

Feb 16, 1993
“…the guy in front of me and to the right of me is really and truly gross. Jap alert here … he’s wearing a lavender shiney-ish sweater, has really dirty fingernails [EW! –ed.] and has dark matted gross hair with very [note “very” was underlined 4 times –ed.] bad dandruff. YUCKY! I can’t take bad dandruff”

“On that night when our bodies intertwine (X-RATED) (Yah, like it will every happen) What shall I do, what shall I do? Perhaps I’ll cling tenaciously to his buttocks (Yes, both of them!)”

“…I feel the Golden Arches of Gourmet Food calling us intensely at 11:30 in the am. Wanna Attend?”

Nov 24, 1993
“Guess where I am. Here’s something for you : I’m in humanities-a-la-my-teacher-is-quite-gross-and-is-wearing-a-repulsive-outfit…”

March 16, 1993
“…I just attract sleazes in basement bars and old gross men wearing EAU DE GROSS PERSON STANDING OVER ME AND TALKING TO ME ON THE BUS on the bus!”

“I made a promise to myself this morning that I wouldn’t 1) Eat Chocolate 2) Be obnoxious 3) Skip classes. Needless to say, I managed to break 1&2 by 10:30 this morning.”

No Date
“hi, it’s me, coming to you live from the floor of your upstairs hall….and I see S in the room which I was wishing to occupy in order that I “clear my system” … and I would not dare to use those in your parents’ room because of prior experiences and so forth [reader : if you don’t know what she’s referring to – ask me, I’m happy to explain –ed.] … S has freed herself from the depths of the room…but in attempts at inconspicuality, I shall wait a moment or two.”

And Finally the last one, entitled “A Poem for Hickteeth” (excerpts)
“Hick, you’re the hen
who lays us in the morn…

We want R and B [rhymes with “hair” –ed.]
But much prefer your public hair
…and try so hard not to stare
when removing your underwear…

so let’s get some dental dams
from the corner convenience store
we like it a lot
when you hit the g-spot”
THE END

The poo-poo song

2007-01-03T11:45:00.000-05:00

I found this this morning and boy oh boy did it make my day! And took the edge off coming back to work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QqhW54RBQA&mode=user&search=

Also - a word of advice - for the love of all things holly and new in the new year - do NOT take Cod Liver Oil in the morning on an empty stomach. I have what I think is some kind of heart burn (it's a new feeling that I hope to never have again) and am burping up lemony fish oil. Oy vey-smere.

And here is a little tempter as to what my next posting will be :

during my vacation time, I looked through some old boxes and found not 1, not 2 but MANY old letters from OOTG during our CEGEP (read : crude and dirty teenage) years.

Blog name : "OOTG - Circa 1993"

Wait for it...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006-12-29T16:34:00.000-05:00

For once, I refuse to be belated. So, I am wishing you a HAPPY NEW YEAR in advance.

I thank you girls, my most treasured friends, and I hope you get everything you wish for in 2007!

I want you to know how much I value our friendship, the heart-to-hearts, the good times, and the laughs. And especially the laughs.

I love you all!!

The pee pee song

2006-12-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

I'm now worried that I started out with the best preview and the rest of the video in its entirety will be a slight disappointment! It's nearly done, I swear. It's just putting it on a darn dvd and getting it to you.

January, I promise!

For now enjoy the pee pee song on You Tube : )

The Dilemma

2006-12-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

So, what's everyone doing for New Year's Eve???

Don't you hate that question? There is this perception that there are 1001 fabulous and festive things to be doing on the 31st of December, but who do you know that has one of these fabulous events in store for them?

Every year, it's the same thing. New Year's Eve is discussed at some point in October: "We should do something fun and fabulous this year!". Then a follow-up discussion is delayed until some point in early December, when someone emails: "What are you guys doing for New Year's?". And no one has a clue.

Usually I end up going to a lame-ass club that doesn't have an outrageous cover charge. We drink, and it is an OK night, certainly not the best night of the year. Sometimes I end up tagging along to someone's party who I don't know so well and the night is so-so. One year, I puked all over someone's CD collection then had to take a nap in his bed. That New Year's sucked. I never went back to his party.

Last year we were organized and it was actually really fun, other than Ms. Ms' "dodge the kiss at midnight" routine. We went to a rented theatrespace party and ALL my friends came. Some started the night drinking at my place. Really fun.

This year, I am excited. Why, you may ask? THE NEW YEAR'S KISS!!! I haven't had a boyfriend on New Year's since the eve of the millennium! I know New Year's is no big deal and all... but inevitably, everyone kisses their sig other at the stroke of midnight, except me, who spends 11-11:45 PM trying to chat up cute guys, then resorts to standing by my friends until they finish kissing, so I can hug them. Oh, yeah, and dodging K (who I kissed)'s kiss last year. One year I actually gave Lacoste a big drunk wet one!! What a mistake!

So I get my New Year's kiss if I spend the night with Spoke. But then, what about my friends? This year, I have to make a choice. It is clear to me that I need to go where my friends are going, if they are going anywhere. I know we've got some marrieds among us on this great blog of ours, but my friends have stood by me through countless so-so New Yearses and Spoke has known me just a few months... I have to place the priority with friends, who will still be with me if Spoke should go. The kiss is not worth it.

The problem? NO ONE HAS TALKED ABOUT NEW YEAR'S YET. Spoke has invited his friends to a house party already, and he really wants me to spend the night with him... argh.

Today I emailed some friends, inviting them to his house. I don't know if they will go for that. Everyone is single again. His party might not be their cup of tea. I also don't want to ditch them for my boyfriend. The girls would understand, but Lacoste and I have been on shaky ground lately, I think because of all the time I devote to Spoke. He is the one friend who has gotten lost in this new mix: I have seen him just twice in 4 months.

So..... what to do?

To post the video here?

2006-11-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

The preview of the Vegas video is online. I'm not in this portion of it. (apparently I was behind the camera much more than in front) Would you like me to post it on the BLOG for the world to see (Although, I don't think the world is necessarily reading this BLOG... but you never know - it will compromise our annonymity) Or should I just send you the links to view it individually. Let me know. It's darn funny.

2006-11-21T23:46:00.000-05:00

If only I had seen this BEFORE we went to Vegas!

Just think of the possiblities we would have had with routines on the moving walkways!

Guaranteed the most disgusting Blog Post you will ever read

2006-11-20T18:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, even more disgusting than my last one. And a little warning: Do not click the link if you are eating lunch, have just eaten anything or plan on eating anything in the near future.

Saturday night after a long hard day at work, we innocently went through the drive thru window at In and Out Burger, a favorite west coast fast food chain. Got the usual order, "2 double doubles animal style with vanilla milk shakes". Went home and gobbled up the burgers then moved on to the fries.

What is wrong with this picture:

If you are unsure of the problem click on the picture to view!

The Majority Wins

2006-11-20T15:34:00.000-05:00

Somebody's - and I'm not telling whose - significant other on this here blog sent me some pretty hilarious pictures of himself doing some pretty hilarious things.

The person whose sig.other it is is probably aware of the situation, but I leave it up to you all :

Do I post the whole exchange on the site - or is that perhaps a little "too much"?

Let's be democratic about this : who votes yes?

Oh crap it's Thursday and I'm supposed to post something

2006-11-16T10:07:00.000-05:00

Who's lame idea was that? Oh yah ---- mine.

Well, I take it all back. I will no longer be responsible for thursday's postings.

I don't like Thursdays. I feel more creative on Wednesdays. I would have chosed Wednesday but there were already three posts yesterday and I wanted to keep our momentum going by choosing Thursday. But alas, now it's Thursday and I have nothing to say. No poop stories to speak of, no sex to talk about (ooh let me clarify that. not that there is no sex --- it's that i'm not going to talk about it!)

Although.... that does remind me of a question I was going to ask and I think this blog may be the perfect forum. Have you ever orgasmed while laying a log (and no that is not a sexual term....) Have you ever had the most fantastic poop of your life that as it came out it pushed in the perfect spot and in the moment of release of tension and fical matter you were brought to a climactical ecstasy?!

.... Just asking.

PS - I am recalling my posting day and choosing Wednesday. Stamped it, double lock, no erasies!

My Pleasure Chest

2006-11-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

So what you really want to know about is what sex toys I've got stashed for Spoke, to give to him on vacation. You wanna know, I wanna provide.

What I am giving to Spoke is as follows (don't tell him, it's a surprize!!):

1) Massage cards: each one has a massage technique for various body parts. I assume there's no rub and tug action in the deck, it seems pretty tame. These were originally a gift for Mr. Rich & Powerful 2 years ago. He opened it, we never used it, then he dumped me, so I kept the deck of cards when I gave back some other stuff. Is it wrong to give it to Spoke? Mr. R&P and I never "enjoyed" the cards.

2) A good, expensive lubricant. Yes, vacation is time to bring anal sex into the relationship. I know Spoke can't wait for it... and I've made him wait a long time. Wish my butt luck!

3) A flavoured gel for oral sex. I thought it might be fun to taste like vanilla for a change.

4) The main course: A bullet vibrator that sits in a stretchy, textured cock ring, for his and her stimulation. This thing is POWERFUL! I can't wait. I wonder what the cock ring part will do for Spoke, though? I hope he's not scared of it when he sees it... It excited me, so I'm sure he's up for it!

Any thoughts of what else to bring??? (Clarification: For sex. I know about SPF 30, and sunglasses, first aid kit and all that!)

So you wanna know what's up with me, eh?

2006-11-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

Alright Ms. Ms. I get your message. I don't post enough. Point taken. And here I am. I warn you, though, that this may not be the interesting and entertaining post you are looking for to spice up your day. But you asked for it, so now we will all have to grin and bear it. (I see y'all forcing your smiles. I SEE YOU. Stop it, you are making me feel stupid. Which I am, so I guess there isn't much wrong with that.)

So let's see... what's fun and new and exciting in the world of One of the Girls? Hmmm...

This weekend I had a trade show. I feel like I am prostituting my work to people when I do trade shows. It makes me so cranky. Hickteeth came to help out/keep me from committing suicide on Sunday morning. She was a doll for doing so (WHERE WERE THE REST OF YOU?), and she can attest to the foulness of my mood. Ugh, two days in a gross, stiff convention hall with no fesh air or natural light.

Adding to the foul mood was the fight I got into with a cab driver who was taking me to said pain in the ass show early Sunday morning. I really don't know what the fuck was with him. He was about to take me like 8 blocks out of the way. Me: "WHY ARE YOU TURNING HERE? STOP THE METER NOW!" And so he did. A little agression goes a long way.

A highlight of the show was the arrival of Hickteeth's sister, and her teeny nephew, who we shall name Noteeth. Man he is like the cutest baby on the face of this earth. So freaking delicious. I can totally eat him up. I'll take 2 Noteeths, a side of fries and a Diet Coke, to go.

What else is new... Oh yes! You remeber the medication I was taking when we were sojourning in Vegas? I was taking 2 pills a day at that time, up from one pill a day the week before. Apparently the medical professionals advise increasin the dosage bit by bit, week by week. To avois, you know, the side effects. I remember stressing one particular side effect that was plaguing me: the runs from the anus. When that resolved itself I increased to three pills a day. The wonderous side effects have returned. Along with some gas, and much loud noise-making from my belly. Hopefully all will subside soon. God help me if the doctor increases the dosage to 4 or even 5 pills a day (as I just read about someone taking. Holy shit! Pun totally intended.)

Not much going on on the sex front. I don't think The C and I have done it in over a week. I think that is a record in the past few months. 2006 has really been a year of fucking in our household. We have been having a blast in the bedroom. And living room, and kitchen, and basement, and who wants to come over now and sit on our furniture and eat at our kitchen table? We bought a trusty new sex toy and have been enjoying the plesures it is unlocking in both of us. Ladies, it is not true that sex dies after marriage. We have been experiencing one HOT year. My advice: keep it spicy, play with grown-up toys!

The past two weeks have been riddled with illness for me. First it was a runny nose, sneeze attacking, chill riddled ball of wax. This was followed by the emergence of the recurring cyst on my cocyx that hurts like a motherfucker. Both have cleared up wonderfully, thanks to my homeopath. She is a wonderful lady that cures all that ails me (in record time), without making me pop antibiotics. Extraordinary indeed.

This my friends brings to a close the update that was requested of me. Funny, perhaps not. Informative, for certain. Keep your updates a-comin'. I love tales of Ms. Ms's boyfirends ball trimming, and cryptic discussions on marriage. I miss you all with a terrible heavy heart. I am so glad that I have to in my life.

Hey Shennanigans- where's our video?

You've Gotta Give Me Something

2006-11-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

I know I am just as guilty of lack of blog in recent weeks (but gimme a break--- I've got 2 other blogs with regular postings!). If you guys are looking for personal info, check into my hair trimming saga with Spoke. GREAT RESULTS!! Gotta love that man. Today he emailed me to say he's feeling shy about using the urinals. What will his fellow pee-ers think?

But anyway, that is not the purpose of this here post. I am stressed, sad, fed up, angry, unsatisfied and need more hours in the day for work AND fun. I am not loving my work situation and, in fact, have applied for a new job (wish me luck!). The situation here of colleague-from-hell are about to heighten in a way I am most anxious to even acknowledge. I just take it day by day and hope for the best... Too much to get into here, but there is a chance it is out of my hands, which is the most I could hope for...

All this said-- I need entertainment. I need to laugh in the way to which I have become accustomed. I need some websites-o-hilarity, or to hear about OOTG and the C's sex life, or to hear about an article of clothing Hickteeth forgot to put on in the morning or a story about some crazy muthafucka Shenanigan met in LA. SOMETHING!

Seeing our pal T-Rock in the T Dot was great-- I needed a good ol smiling friend and I love seeing her happy.

Spoke is THE BEST. He has been so supportive. I must say, he can be damn funny at times too, especially when he shaves his balls.

Next week I am going on vacation... but before then--- GIVE ME SOMETHING!

I lurve you all!

Here I go again

2006-11-14T15:14:00.000-05:00

Have you all given up on this little blog?

Are you too busy, stressed out and overworked?

Well, here's something to raise your spirits and lower your anxiety...

It's recommended by a doctor, and it's obviously considered some kind of medicine, so it must work and it must be healthy.

http://www.myupm.com/dc2/index.php

The Big M

2006-11-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

Well, 2 of us have already engaged (no pun intented) in the Big M and 3 of us have not.

For one of you it was a bigger deal, for the other perhaps less of a deal.

Now it seems that the Big M has become a bit of a theme in 2 of our lives (maybe 3?). Not in the sense of it happening, but maybe just thinking about it.

Will it happen? When? What kind of W do I want? Will there be an E? Or an R with the E? Do I care?

Notice how I can't even type out the full word? (*props to Ms M for the use of the Capital Letter to represent the Word) There is a certain amount of superstition and worry that goes along with the whole thing.

Maybe I shouldn't talk about it. When it's decided, will it actually happen? Am I jinxing myself?

Q! Q! It's all a bunch of Q!

Maybe, being sick (I have a C!) I should get some R&R and think this through...

An Almost Successful First Outing

2006-10-26T13:54:00.000-04:00

Well, it was the first attempt for an all-OurFiveCents outing and it was 80% successful.

Attendants : Hickteeth, Ms Ms, OOTG, Madame Shenanigan
Venue : Las Vegas, a.k.a. Sin City

Not in Picture : Tali - due to unfortunate circumstances

Despite the missing party (who was very missed) this 20% of OFC had an amazing weekend. Full of laughter and silly antics as expected.

Thank you for a great time with the girls. And as was pointed out and noticed by moi, it would not have been the same with significant others. I just don't think Cuddles' boob almost popping out of his bikini would have been as funny. Nor would the C's vocal rendition of my need to pee, and nor would Madame S's hubby's accidental genital rub with OOTG (well, ok that one might have been just as funny).

Next year, someone else can choose the venue and hopefully - it will be 100% successful, with no missing parties.

Thanks again ladies, it really was fantastic.
And thanks Madame S, for the momento - the gold belt of delight!

-Hicky

What are you wearing in Vegas

2006-10-17T13:40:00.000-04:00

A little cross blogging for you --- but seriously what are you guys wearing?!
You can post as 'guest' by using user name 'guest' and password: password (i know, real original!)
I need a plane outfit, a day outfit and a night outfit. And shoes. Shoes are always the hardest. Are we planning on going to any clubs?

www.whatshouldiweartoday.blogspot.com

It feels like there's a piece of material shoved up my ass.

2006-10-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I put on a lovely outfit. Skirt, long turtleneck, socks and cute shoes. I went for the socks option since I didn't want to put on tights.

Tights bother me, they bunch and pull and are tight around the stomach area, making a bump where they end and making me look like the michelin man in a turtleneck. I don't like the VPLs not do I like the VTE (Visible Tight Endage) so, I chose knee-highs. My skirt covers past the top of the sock - don't worry.

I also chose to wear a thong with my skirt (seea above re : my view on VPLs). It being colder, and therefore not generally skirt weather, I haven't graced my posterior with a thong in a long while.

As I got out of my car and walked to the bus, a sensation came over me. I got more uncomfotable, and was walking funny and acutally thought to myself "It Feels Like There's a Piece of Material Shoved Up My Ass" and the second thought that came to mind was "Oh Crap - There Is" and then "And I'll Have To Feel It All Day" followed closely by "I Can't Even Pick It Out!"

Picking it out : will help for 3 minutes until it creeps right on back in there and snuggles up warmly to my redeye.
Removing it : will cause me wonder all day if anyone will notice me going commando.
There are no other options : except wearing them more often to get used to it or never wearing them again.

Sitting down seems to be a comfortable option. As I type I can barely feel the little bugger. I guess I'm destined to remain on my thong-laden rear today.

Done and Done

2006-10-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

Ok girls..I'm in. Booked my ticket to Vegas. Friday night to Sunday night!

So who do I owe money to now and how much?

See you guys next week! WOOOHOOO!

Hickteeth is right

2006-10-11T17:41:00.000-04:00

You know, girls, you DO deserve something new and crass and perverted to enjoy. Try this out for size (BUT NOT AT WORK PLEASE! NOT AT WORK!):

CREATIVE WAY OF ADVERTISING

Don't worry- it's a clothing company! Make sure you watch all 3 "advertisements" (but only if you're into porn).

Sad State of Affairs

2006-10-11T13:22:00.000-04:00

This poor little blog hasn't been updated for over 3 weeks!

It is a sad state of affairs when the five of us are too busy to write crass little tid-bits of human nature to each other.

Where have all the dirty jokes and penile-references gone?
I weep silently and contemplate our slow demise...

The Perfect Snap

2006-09-18T09:31:00.000-04:00

OR : Why I won't have kids.

For the past week I have tried, on several occaisions, mostly unsuccessfully to *snap* a towel. Call it boredom, call it trying to extend my resume of trivial talents... whatever you call it, I wasn't very good at it. I snapped the fridge at my parents' place well, but maybe because it was stainless steel and made a good "sound". The pantry I was not so lucky with.

So there we were, in the bathroom last night, brushing teeth, slapping asses... Cuddles and I were happily getting ready for bed. There was the usual fare of "I need to see in the mirror" and making faces with toothpaste foam.

I used my face towel and then decided to get a new one and put the one I had used in the laundry basket. I held it in my palm, and contemplated :

My face towel is a small square, about 8" x 8", hardly enough material to twirl by the corner and certainly not enough to *snap*, right? That's what I had deciced as started twirling the small weapon of mass destruction, just for fun, thinking it'd never work anyway. I snapped gingerly toward Cuddles' buttokial area and realised 2 things pretty quickly.

1 - it was enough material to *snap*
2 - my aim is dead off

Cuddles, mouth full of paste looked at me with what I can only describe as his "why-did-you-do-this-to-me-I-thought-you-loved-me-OMG-I'm-going-to-puke" look. I panicked and giggled (a nervous reacion of mine, very bad) and started gushing "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I really was sorry. But also a little amazed that I *snapped* successfully on the first try! But also sorry sorry sorry.

I left the bathroom, ashamed and as Cuddles carefully slid into bed, he exclaimed "I really thought I was going to puke there! You perfectly hit my right nut".

Who's up for a game?http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

2006-09-17T23:05:00.000-04:00

Where do I sign up?!!!

Enjoie

2006-09-14T09:45:00.000-04:00

Please watch me all the way to the end.

Then, of course, come back and comment.
We live in a weird, weird world.

ANAL SEX

2006-09-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

Discuss.

(Because you know, a subject like this requires its own entry really. It's not something that should be relegated to the comments section of another post.)

(And: who says I don't post anymore?)

A Clear Winner

2006-09-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

If I must say so myself, Spoke did a good job of raking in the points this weekend, with family, friends and yours truly. You know I want you girls to tell me what you think of him... you know I do... but until you tell me, I would like to list off some of the things he did this weekend that scored points with me.

1) Drove the whole way to Montreal, Ste. Agathe, back to Montreal, and then Toronto
2) Knowing what a Dirty Sanchez is, and revealing so in such a hilarious manner
3) Stepping up to one of OOTG's inappropriate questions: "So, is he good in bed?", with a: "I'm pretty good, aren't I?"
4) Trying to dress conservatively for my parents
5) Staying up late chatting with my brother and watching Saturday Night Live after I fell asleep
6) All the rockin' sex (and oral). I had to throw that in because it upset OOTG so much last time.
7) Losing at mini putt, Boggle, then the "spot the Matrix cars for sexual favours" game.
8) Not commenting on the atrocious amount of M&M's I ate at Tali's house
9) Staying even-tempered when I get hyper
10) Telling me he really likes you guys.

SO? SO? SO? SO? SO? I want the scoop from alla y'all. If not here, than email moi. Or don't, but I'll disown you.

OOPCIN NYC

2006-08-31T23:37:00.000-04:00

Ooppcin - verb. Pronounced oohp_sin. An acronym for:

Overhearing other people's phone conversations in Public:

The following was Oopcined as I was strolling down a New York city street today:
"Yeah, being in quarantine totally sucked. It was raining all week and we were stuck inside. We couldn't see the kids because we didn't want to get them sick. Quarantine was not fun at all."

If no one else will do it, I guess it's up to ME

2006-08-30T16:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been anxiously awaiting a new entry on our blog, which has been tossed into the spider-webby arms of dilapidation, I see.

I actually have nothing to report.
Cuddles has said nothing funny (though he has worn something funny that I posted on whatshoudIweartoday),
it is the same ol' stinky man on the 24,
I have not since forgotten to wear my bra to work,
nor have I had any "process" or "period" issues...

Everything is running smoothly and according to plan.

Oop! the boss just walked in and as you know - no blogging at work!

I'm outtahere!

Quick Overheard at The Hick-Cuddles Household Update

2006-08-16T22:42:00.000-04:00

*heard the morning after Cuddles waking up to Hick singing "My Sharona" while making lunch

Cuddles : I never want to wake up to you singing My Sharona ever again
Hick : why not? I was happy and singing!
Cuddles : I don't want a classic rock relationship.

Ok, so I happen to find Terry DeMonte and Ted Bird funny and soothing (so soothing!) in the mornings. Is it my fault that they are the morning talk show hosts of a classic rock station? I mean Hell! It could be worse... it could be country!

I am starting to realise that all these household comments are Cuddles saying funny things. I'm not even sure that he knows they are funny...or does he? Do you think he's the funny one in the relationship? Be honest guys, I can take it. Have I lost my "edge"? Am I a washed-up CHOM listener?

Oh dear God.... I .... listen ... to ... CHOM. *faint*

When one is forced with facing a truth about themselves that one has been avoiding for a long time, it can be pretty harsh.

I just never, I mean, I never thought I would turn out this way. I thought "not me, it just can't happen" and then one day I have the phone in my hand and I'm hoping I'm the 9th caller because, yes, I do know the next lyric of that Led Zeppelin song.

*faint* (again)... *barf a little into mouth*...

I'm going cold turkey guys, I'm going COLD TURKEY.

Yeah? So?

2006-08-09T10:03:00.000-04:00

One of the girls, do you have a problem? So what if I've gotten laid more times in the last week than I have in the last 3 years? Do you mind that I am spending all afternoon, evening, night, and morning in bed with a man? Do I not deserve it? Does not a girl who has been single for the better part of the last 6 years have needs? Am I not human?

I hear you about to yawn in technicolour over your porcelain bus but all those acidic stomach juices won't be enough for me to stop telling you how much frigging sex I have been having, as often as I get the chance. Oral too. So, THERE!!

If you are feeling dirty after reading this, go take a shower with that pube-infested soap. Ya, man!!

question

2006-08-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Q: After a long and harrowing weekend with you extended family-in-laws, you run a hot shower and step into the tub to wash off the annoyances of the few days past. Your eyes fall upon the bar of Ivory which *HORRORS* appears to be laden with hair. Thick, dark, curly, man-like ones. Knowing that these do not belong to your husband as he had showered and left for work about three hours previously, you deduce that they either belong to your father-in-law, or your loathsome, give-you-gross-out-goosebumps brother-in-law. Do you:
a) Lean over to the toilet bowl and heave all of your stomach's contents?
b) Run naked for the hills ?(You are getting into the shower, thus you don nary a stitch of clothing.)
c) Think: who brought up these adults? Don't they know not to leave pubes on other peoples' soaps? Forcryingoutloud?
d) Die of disgustingness?
e) Think of the jingle: "I want my clean as real as Ivory, it's gotta be 99.44% full of someone else's body hair"?
f) Save it to show all your friends as a party favour at Tali's BBQ?
g) all of the above

Home!

2006-08-01T13:17:00.000-04:00

Must post quick because I'm at work.

Just confirmed a trip home to Montreal - August 30 - September 5. YAY!

I'll see you all then? Is anyone/everyone around?

Someone I met who asked me to post this...

2006-07-31T15:58:00.000-04:00

Hello,

My name is Jerry, and as you can see, I am a recent College Grad. I received my Diploma in Applied Socio-Economic Statistics from www.customdegrees.com in just 30 days. Yes, I finished College in just one month. As you can tell, I am of a higher-intelligence bracket than most.
I have found your site quite sparkly and thought I’d introduce myself. I am on the market for a lady-friend and in hopes that any one of you lovely women might have an interest, I post my picture for your pleasures.
Please feel free to write me back, to jerry.bladderfull@jean-guy-stache.ca

Jerry

N.B., I am not attached to the facial hair (though my neighbour and mother say it looks distinguished), and would shave off my moustache if any of you would like.

luck be a lady tonight

2006-07-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

or today. whichever.
holy shit people! i have a major announcement to make!
i was on the land of monks today to pick up some spelt bread from our friendly neighbourhood baker. and the bucks... it was calling to me! the louisiana corn muf-cake... it was purring and wispering my name. "one of the girls... come eat me..." in a spooky voice. in cartoon fashion my feet lifted from the ground and led by my nose, i floated towards the door of this famous coffee establishment. after i ordered said massive chunk of delicious oily magnificence, i inquired after some coffee. you see my fine haired friends, i have not been frequenting the bucks since my pledge to not ingest caffine. today i was interested in the non-caf versions of their dark brown specialities. alas, here is my most wonderful news:
starbucks makes a decaf frappicino. DECAF. hello!
there is obviously a god up there, and said god has heard my prayers.
angels sing on high.

I hope I'm not dooced

2006-07-18T12:38:00.000-04:00

Dooce : To lose one's job due to blogging - the word is created by another blogger who is now WORKING as a blogger (as she lost her job)

A.K.A. More From Cuddles and Hick (a short one)

Cuddles : Snnnnoooorrrrre....snn...snnooorreeeeeee...
HIck : Cuddles... Cuddles! (poke.. prod..push)
Cuddles : snnnnnnnnooooooooreeeeee....snnnnnn*
Hick : (PUSH)
Cuddles : ugn?
Hick : You're snoring again.
Cuddles : Maybe I snore so much because I love you.
Hick : Wow. well thanks for loving me so loudly, every single night.
Cuddles : unnng.

Do you think he was coherent and understanding what he was saying? I'm not so sure, and was annoyed at the time, but upon waking up and thinking about it... I had a giggling fit, realising how weird it was.
What was he thinking?!?

Just Hangin' Out... (for the world to see)

2006-07-14T13:04:00.000-04:00

This week I am doing another stint on the geriatric unit because we are understaffed. I had a very nice consult with a smart elderly gent, very pleasant to talk to. He was also very tall- 6 foot 5, but of course was lying in bed so it was hard to tell... I just trust what he told me (he actually said 5'17" to which I responded: "Really? You are 6'5"??" and he was very impressed that I am the first person EVER to figure that out).

Anyway, I was chatting with this man, who was sprawled out on his hospital bed, wearing just a blue hospital gown. Now, you can imagine that a man of this grand height would not get much coverage out of the gown, designed to cover elderly frames, which are normally under 5'5" or so. And, normally no clothes are worn beneath the hospital gown. Yeah.

I kept my eyes on his face but in my peripheral but was fully aware there was a penis in the room. It taunted me. "Do not look at old man's penis. Do not look at old man's penis". He did not make an attempt to cover it up. There it was, pale and flaccid, uncircumsized (I think) and not tiny. Balls n' all. Now, don't start freaking out, I didn't get a good hard look, just a few "peripheral glances".

Then he said: "I had an accident. The urinal spilled and now I have to call the nurse to change the sheets." I guess he was just airing himself out.

Hypothetical Moral Question

2006-07-08T20:33:00.000-04:00

So you are driving down the street listening to the radio, going home after a long day at the office. Let's place this scenario at appox 7:00pm. A two lane residential street busy enough to warrant traffic lights. A large black SUV speeds past you in the right lane, he cuts it close, a little too close for comfort, an inch more and your mirrors would have kissed. Just as you are shaking your head, "smash, crack" you see a mirror go flying. Thankfully not your own but you realize the black SUV has knocked the mirror off an poor, innocent, unsuspecting Legally PARKED car. Here is where the Hypothetical Moral Question comes in.

What do you do?

Additional info to consider:
You are driving in the left lane and can't just stop the car
The License plate number of the SUV is CIK1SZ

Postin' on Hickteeth's behalf

2006-07-06T15:09:00.000-04:00

Because she can't blog at work.
Here goes:

“Overheard” with Cuddles and Hick
Part Trois

“That woman’s chest fills up the breast section AND the stomach section of her shirt! Wow!” “Yeah, she’s killed 2 birds with one boob”

“That beet salad you gave me for lunch gave me gas” “But I put more of it in your lunch today…” “Oh no!” “Well, this way you can “test” and “see” if it was really the beets, maybe it wasn’t” “Hmm, well, ya, ok.” (Am I going to Hell?)

BARF (not Hick, or Cuddles, but Buster the dog, puking on our floor yesterday morning)

Heavy Metal Singles Party

2006-06-27T15:35:00.000-04:00

So the Girls and I are at it again, and have invited well over 300 people to our next singles party on the roof. You know about my blog freak-attacks, so occasionally I google key words to see if my blog comes up. I'm glad I did, because I stumbled upon my party invite posted on a chat group.

A HEAVY METAL CHAT GROUP.

These long-haired, tattooed, "I can swallow more knives than you" lads were discussing whether or not to support their single pal and attend the event.

I post for you: their comments. I wonder if I will meet these headbangers?

___________________________________________________
Papa Smurf
Metal Guru
Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 4:36 pm Post subject: Singles event.....Should I go?

Last year I read In the paper about a bunch of women in Toronto who got toghter and threw a singles party, these women call themselves Girls On The Roof. I get notices of their events and they have one coming up on Thurs, June 29. That's the beginning of my vacation and was thinking it would be fun. Only problem is I am quite shy and quiet, and not very socially outgoing on my own. I'm much more comfortable In groups i know. I defiantly want to just trying to convince myself to go.

If anyone out there is single in TO and looking to meet somebody here is the info.

No I'm not trying to Spam the board, just passing along some info to help out my fellow single metal heads.

(he posts the invitation)
_________________

ChaoticTate
Sounds like PUR Supper Club is hosting a sausage party...and charging a cover fee for it.

I know that a free pole dancing lesson is always a big draw for the ladies.
_________________

hackphotography

that club is one of those uber-pretentious "look at my gucci bag" places.

unless you plan to bag some plastic wanna be Mariah Carey chicks, i'd stay away
_________________

Papa Smurf
Metal Guru

Now I'm thinking perhaps this is not such a great idea
_________________

New Machine
Metal Guru

I don't know about you, but personally, I find Mariah Carey attractive, so that wouldn't be a problem for me.

Depends on what you want bro - treat it like a night out in any case, whether you're looking for an actual relationship or a one-night stand.

Personally though, an event that's geared toward eventually making dates, if you're not going to make moves and ask a chick out at least, there's no point in going if you're only going to stand in a corner.
_________________

Megafucker
Metal Guru

What have you got to lose? At the very least it will be a new experience for you and at the very best you might meet someone. As a bonus it will give you something to post of the braveboard afterwards. At $5 where the hell can you go for a night out that cheaply?

- - - - - - -
LIFE IS LIKE WALKING ON A RAZOR SHARP KNIFE, STEP TO FAR TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT AND YOU GET SLICED TO PIECES

_______________

Torture667
Metal Guru

You are negative!

_________________

EYEBLISTER
Metal Guru

Whatever dude!

You and all the poor me I'm single guys need to hit this event.
Just dont wear a band shirt, and make sure you shave.

Hey newmachine! we have got to go to this! it'd be a great laugh! and we'd be providing moral support for the smurf while picking off the hotties LOL.
_________________

New Machine
Metal Guru

I would definitely consider going as moral support for Dave, and certainly to have some fun, but to be honest I would prefer a non-singles event.

If I meet someone or want to go out with someone, I usually don't like it pre-planned. I don't know, singles events kind of take the excitement of the surprise of meeting someone away.
- - - - - - -
It's not for me to say, nor is it for me to care.
_________________

EYEBLISTER
Metal Guru

Well I've never been to one of these things, lets go for Dave, and of course for our own entertainment aswell. Fuck if it sucks that bad we can all head to somewhere else.
_________________

New Machine
Metal Guru

I don't see anything wrong with going, and thankfully it ends at 11 PM, because I have to work that night, so if Dave is up for it, I'll go
_________________

Papa Smurf
Metal Guru

I was pertty much gonna pass, BUT, if you and others wanna join in and go....I'm game.
_________________

Medusa
Metal Guru

You should all just go for the hell of it.

- - - - - - -
It always burns within
The downward spiral never ends
When driven into sin
Your salvation's found in a sinner's deed
_______________

Shreddy
Metal Guru

It sucks when I was single there wasnt any well organized singles events. If I wanted to pick up women I'd have to hit the clubs so I could not pickup anyone because I would hate that infernal racket thats being played in them.

Now there is speed dating, dating cruises, kickball leagues, and all other kinds of cool singles events.

I think I could do well with speed dating, it just seems like it would be fun.
_________________

toxicmosh
Metal Guru

Go for it

Internet is EVIL

2006-06-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

Especially when you can't get to it! Our home internet has been down for a whole week now. I didn't realize how much time I fritter away in cyberspace until this week. Not to mention, how much I rely on it. I didn't instantly have everybit of information I could ever want at my figertips and it really drove me nuts.

I did a lot of things this week that I probably would not have if given the opportunity to sit around on my couch and blog all day. I reorganized my bookshelves, learned a new computer design program, I went for bike rides, rollerbladed on the beach and even started my acting career! (Don't ask --- it was an activity that I didn't need to get online for)

After 4 service calls from 4 seperate cable guys, the internet seems to be back on. (Although it did go down for a few hours this afternoon PANIC!!!) . So here I sit catching up on my Blogging, haven't done anything most would consider productive since it's been back on but I now know where to buy the lawn furniture I've had my eye on, what Ms. M is wearing these days and am about to see if I can find a recipe for Pasta Salad using the minimal ingredients I have in my fridge.

Ahhh, what do they say about knowledge?
Hold on a sec, let me look it up.
http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_knowledge.html

Blog Ban : The Bain of my Being

2006-06-23T15:49:00.000-04:00

Beautiful Babies, Blogging Buddies... Bitches,

A brilliantly bad brainchild of my business has been born!
A breech of my being!

I am banished...A Blog Ban has burdened the building.

I am bugged... and bewildered. How will I bring bliss into my backbreaking and boring workplace?

This bad news has bummed me out and bestowed upon me "the blues".

I shall begrudgingly attempt to bite the bullet and brighten my burdens with a bubble bath... b-adieu.

(I am now bound to blog from my own bedroom - bah!)

period

2006-06-20T09:33:00.000-04:00

hey all!
for fear of letting you think that i actually might someday return to this blog in full force, i will make this post short. i don't want to tempt you too too much with my genius writing lest you find yourselves aching for more.
so the title for the day is period. no, it does not refer to me (the one who cannot mentruate on her own), but rather to the lexicon surronding the act. i admit, dear friends, that i did find the idea for this "somewhere else", but thought is funny enough to share with you fine feathered ladies.
without further ado, if you were ever in seach of what to call your period, please check here.

On Not Being Funny Anymore

2006-06-19T13:47:00.000-04:00

*sigh*
I am in such a fuckin' mood its unreal. If you don't believe me, go see the "what to wear" blog and check out my ranty-comment.

I feel un-appealing, un-motivated and most definitely un-funny.

On commenting about this non-funnyness last night (in joke form at dinner at my aunt's) Cuddles decided to take this up with me in bed as we were falling asleep.

"why don't you think you are as funny as before?"
"I dunno - maybe I'm too busy to be funny"
"but that's what made me so crazy about you - the way you made me laugh" (notice the past tense - I did)

Is this supposed to fucking HELP the situation? Man I wanted to wring his neck. Instead I told him that he better just dump me now, as it is all down hill from here.

Sorry, this post is not funny. It just isn't.

Duo- PinOSTi

2006-06-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

Get it Hickteeth? Duo PinOSTi? Like duo pinotti, but for posts? Nah? Ok, Anyway.... this is my second post in a row, yo.

OVERHEARD ON THE SUBWAY....

Guy 1: Where are we getting off? Bathurst?
Guy 2: ...Butt-thurst.
Guy 1: Or Spajina?
Guy 2: Spajina... it kind of sounds like Spaghetti and Vagina. It's a new Italian delicacy.

this 31 thing may not be working out for me...

2006-06-19T08:58:00.000-04:00

I know I am the youngest of the bunch, and therefore, my mind should be the sharpest (if not my actions wisest) ... but this morning, thank the holy goodness I was wearing dark brown pants, cause I spilled my coffee on them twice while on the streetcar. Twice! Is this a sign I should:

a) drink my coffee at my desk like a normal person, instead of drinking it while in motion, dangling bags, and umbrellas, lifevests and oars from my hands
b) always wear dark brown pants
c) just call it quits already and retire, so I don't have to endure wet or stained clothing at work anymore and the shame that ensues

Well, the good news is that I was on my best behaviour on my birthday outing at Supermarket (in Kensington Market-- I think it's new since y'all lived here...). A big group of people came out and made me feel loved and there are stories to tell! Though... none of them mine!! For once!! Actually, I did drink quite a bit of sweeeeet muthafuckin sangria, so maybe there are some stories I just don't remember?!

3 cheers for 31 year old blogging and to a year just slightly more entertaining than the last (don't think I can handle much more...)!

WWA* a well as a continuation of overhead at the Hick-Cuddles Household

2006-06-05T15:23:00.000-04:00

*Working with acronyms

Cuddles has been sick for nearly a week now, IYCBI*
I feel sorry for him, so I cleaned, made him tea, went grocery shopping, basically, IWAS**.
I bought him all kinds of good, healthy foods as he sat and watched The Fight Network, or as I like to call it MWNNC***.
He’s also quitting smoking at the same time, so while he sick, he’s also screaming FU at the TV and SU at me. Though this sounds funny on OFC, IRLº, it is not, IYKWIM.

I bought him this great soy/granola mix thing for a snack, to tide him over during the CFH†, which he liked, TTL^. This mix is meant to be MIXED (not an acronym) with other things, such as raisins, as it is a delicious, yet high-fat treat for GBWDS®

This morning, despite the 3,004 other cereal options available to him, he chose to use a base of flakes (NFHH!¥) atop which he placed a hefty helping of, yes, the SNACK ITEM (not an acronym).

“That’s Not Cereal!” I yelled
“I can’t tell what is and what isn’t!” He yelled back.
“Cereal comes in cereal boxes!” screamed I
“I like granola-y things!” hollered Cuddles
“Well then eat the GRANOLA (not an acronym)!” wow, we tell a lot
“I didn’t see any!” He projected
“It’s in the box with a picture of GRANOLA (not an acronym) on the box!”
"oh, well I didn't see it".

SPHM, IBOY****

*If You Can Believe It
**I Was A Slave
***Men With No Necks Channel
º In Real Life (remember this one, I may use it again one day)
† Cravings From Hell
^ Thank The Lord
® Good Boys Who Don’t Smoke
¥ Not From His Head
**** Someone Please Help Me, I Beg of You

hey ms. ms.

2006-06-05T09:40:00.000-04:00

wherefore ist thy blog?

things overheard on the streets of NY

2006-05-31T21:57:00.000-04:00

In the direction of Hickasnaurus's last posting I would like to start my own segment. Walking down the streets you catch tidbits of conversations. This is what I heard this afternoon.

Girl 1: "It's okay, the doctor said it should be about three months"
Girl 2: "Oh well that not that bad, thats what, like 6 weeks"

I didn't get a good look, but I don't think they were blonde!

The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

2006-05-31T15:50:00.000-04:00

I am so bored today, so so so so bored and thinking "what can I do"? I did something I shouldn't've.

so a long time ago in a land far far away, I figured out an ex's password to his email as a joke. me " I bet I know your password" then I tried it and it WORKED.

So, today I was like - hey, does it still work?

I think you know the answer.

Staring at his inbox full of old emails I thought - what now? I couldn't bring myself to READ any, but I did see one with the subject line "Are you still in the big apple"? which seemed innocuous enough. It was. But I did find out that he might be now, but definitely was recently in NY.

Please ladies don't ask me details about this, I am partly ashamed and partly so want to go back and read more! haha!
Is there any way he'd find out? hmmmmmmmm?

This posting will self destruct in 5 minutes.

"I can tell I'm sick from the smell of my farts"

2006-05-30T15:57:00.000-04:00

... and other tid-bits overheard at the Hick-Cuddles household (yes, we've moved in together everyone. It's "official", which means I'm now "cleaning up for two")

"snnnoooooorrrrrrre.............breath......snnnnnnoooooorrrrrrree"
"your snores were the growls of a giant killer cat that was chasing me in my dream last night!"

"you can squeeze my bum if you want to"

"no, it doesn't look like a roach, that's an ant"
"that is totally not an ant, it's a beetle"
"um.. no it's not!"
"Let's send it into Animal Planet and have it analyzed"

"my mom apologizes for telling you to 'have a good year' on your birthday, she doesn't want you to think she said that because she doesn't want to see you for a year"

"yes, I do have stinky pee this week, and I'm about to pee so you can come in and smell it if you like"
(in response to some questioning from your truly to determine the proper remedy for Cuddles' allergies)
Epilogue : his pee was not, in fact, stinky therefore "Nit-Ac" was NOT the correct remedy. Keynote of that remedy is "Foul smelling pee - smells like horse's urine"

I think this will be an ongoing segment on OFC, since intimate, embarassing and sometimes disgusting statements are declared and professed each day in our little home.

"Enjui" - a la OOTG

NUMBER 9

2006-05-27T13:37:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would share ; )

Maimed and Mutilated

2006-05-25T09:17:00.000-04:00

What did you girls do to me this weekend? I am covered in bruises! Wrist, thigh, butt... seriously! Did someone take advantage of my while I was on my Sugar High of Monday Eve?

And why is there nothing to blog about anymore? I find my "funny factor" to be dwindling! I mean, look at the half-baked efforts I put in to Tali and Hickteeth's birthday cards (sorry girls)! Maybe 32 will be better. Get ready for a mother of a card (but maybe not quite as fantastic a gift).

I am feeling weary, and lazy-assed, and puffy-eyed, and ill-attired, and spacey-brained, and don't forget bruised. This is a sad sad way to enter the almost-weekend.

Picky Eaters Can go Pick Somewhere Else!

2006-05-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

I’ve just been on the strangest job. It’s like I’m back at High School and all the cool kids are too preoccupied with themselves and what they are wearing to bother talking or socializing with me. That’s fine. I don’t need to be their friends. I’m here to work.

But wait; usually when people work together they need some sort of communication to get the job done. It’s much more useful to leave the high school games behind to get the job done.

Anyhow, because we are back in high school I figured I would use this Blog to bad mouth and complain about how annoying these people are.

Also let me preface this rant with the fact that these people I’m referring to are in an industry that works together to create department store flyers that you find in newspapers. They take pictures of beautiful people wearing beautiful clothes and talk about where they can get their designer shoes for $400 instead of $800. (Especially after reading Ms. Mysterioso’s last Blog it makes my work seem very trivial!)

Anyhow this was the final straw of me saying – (well actually more like thinking because I didn’t feel like getting fired) “You are stupid whinny brats who don’t know how good you have it!”

This one girl, “Stripe Girl” – I call her that because I was never introduced to her so I never learned her name, and one day she showed up on set wearing a striped button down with a different striped vest over it paired with a pair of striped pants. (I wish I could have taken a picture for the “what should I wear” site!) Anyhow, Stripe Girl is a picky eater. She doesn’t eat Vegetables because she doesn’t like the texture. You know, one of those (I know because I used to be a picky eater). But here is the thing, be picky if you want, but know you are picky and don’t make it everyone else’s problem.

All week we have delicious catering on set. Great breakfast and even more amazing lunches. Here is an example of the menu for the particular day that Stripe Girl had a fit for how little variety the caterer was providing and how there was NOTHING she could eat:

- Asian Chicken Soup w/Spring Baby Vegetables
- Pistachio Crusted Salmon w/Mango Salsa
- Sesame Field Greens w/Edamame and Tofu
- Asparagus and Leek Crepes w/Thai Red Curry and Coconut Sauce
- Zucchini Tart
- Key Lime Pie

My mouth just watered typing that! I’m sorry – if you can’t find one thing to eat on that list well then you have issues (I may have separate issues considering I had to have one of EVERYTHING on that list!)

So Stripe Girl took up arms and the other “cool kids” joined her and agreed at how horrible the catering was --- they all marched themselves to the deli for turkey sandwiches. It was just very sad at the amount of self-absorption that went on all week.

But whatever – more food for me!!!

I'm ALIVE

2006-05-18T02:55:00.000-04:00

Well hello ladies! How are you all?

I'm SO EXCITED TO COME HOME! I can't wait to see you crazy gals. And i promise to bring a picture of the delightful man o'mine and fill you in on all the stories :)

So when is breakfast? OOTG are you EVER going to respond to that? Ms - brekkie no matter what on the weekend!

Just wanted to let you all know I was still alive and was still posting and can't wait to hang out.

Just a couple more days!
woohoo!

Where've I Been?

2006-05-16T16:18:00.000-04:00

Did anyone know that Tali had a boyfriend?
Did anyone know that Miss Kay Shenanegan got married (is that his last name?)

Why am I the last to know? My life is ON DISPLAY and no one tells me diddly-squat.

Pumping Iron and Window Washers

2006-05-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Cuddles and I decided to go to the gym to lift weights. I have only ever lifted weights one time before that, also with Cuddles, and we "took it easy" that time as we like to say in the biz.

Well, yesterday we were enjoying all the new machines and I was especially enjoying making weight-lifting faces and growling while doing "just one more" rep. Cuddles would be like : are you done? And I'd be like "grrrrooowwlllll-who-me? Nah.. I...

OMG! Newsflash! A window washer is descending past my window! Washing! What is the proper etiquette? Do I wave? Pretend not to notice? He's like 2 feet away from me and.. say... he looks kinda cute... too bad these windows don't open. Maybe I'll put a post-it with my number on it and stick it to the window for him to see. Wait, I can't do that - what about Cuddles? Ok, Tali, I'm putting your number up. You'll be here soon and it can be a one-week whirlwind window washing romance. ok c'est decide.

Sorry for the interruption.
...I'm just going to do one-rrrrrrrr-YEAH! more... rrrrep." Then I'd either collapse in feigned exhaustion and do a professional wrestler move or something.

Needless to say... have you all guessed where this is going?
Ok, it's not that bad, it only hurts about the chest, breast, back, neck and head areas.
And of course the ass. Cuddles says my ass must be my "weakest link" since it hurts so much. I, sadly, must concur that my ass has always been my "weakest link". Unlike Ms Ms's which is lickably delicious.

Apology to Seat 34C

2006-05-14T11:12:00.000-04:00

Okay, um, hi. I would just like to issue this public apology to the girl sitting next to me in Seat 34C.

Firstly, I’m sorry for waking you up for my second vodka cranberry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Yes it was probably rude of me to shout across the isle and down the galley when I could have just pressed my call button. So I’m sorry for that.

Secondly, I’m sorry for those tiny red dots of cranberry juice you may or may not have all over you and which you may or may not notice when you go home or go to launder your clothes. You see I got a little clumsy with my ice and, well, you were fast asleep and you did not realize that one of the ice cubes jumped out and splashed back into the cup and sprayed droplets everywhere. If you are reading this please let me know and I will take care of the dry cleaning on that lovely white cardigan you were wearing.

Finally, while I am at it, I will also apologize for the tuna salad sandwich I had for lunch. Yes, I’m sure it didn’t make my breath the freshest nor did it sit terribly well in my stomach. So sorry for that too.

Thank you for your patients Seat 34C.

Now if man in 29B who kept blocking the TV screen so I couldn’t watch the movie could please step forward. ---- I’m waiting for my apology!!!

The Freaky Deaky Blog World

2006-05-11T14:21:00.000-04:00

So Here I am obsessed by our Blog and by Ms. M’s alter ego Blog. So much so that I keep starting new Blogs (I just like thinking up good names for them not actually writing in them!) Ahem ahem I will now once again take credit for the brilliance that it the title “Our Five Cents” (speaking of– one cent is missing?! OOTG are you okay?!)

Okay that was a tangent. Back to the point. So I’m reading Ms. M’s Blog then I need to get some background so I link to Jill’s Blog. I read a little and then start seeing who’s Blogs she links to. After circles of Blog links I end up on a Blog of a girl who I have known since I was 5. Haven’t seen her since high school but now here is her personal life all laid out for me to anonymously read and or comment on if I so choose. And she has no idea. I feel like a spy! It was fun at first. A secret agent gathering info. But as I read on I found her Blog to be quite boring and it sort of upset me that this girl I once new with so much talent is now writing about who got kicked off the Apprentice last week! Maybe I need to read more entries. Hopefully they do not all revolve around reality TV!

As I started to realize the chances of me coming across this Blog I got freaked out. The magnitude of what the Blog world is becoming and how friendships are made and maintained and how much of it is based on reality or what we want other people to perceive us as is changing so rapidly my head might just explode with the implications.

Wow. Sorry, thanks for letting me rant in that run on sentence.

Hickisms

2006-05-10T22:38:00.000-04:00

For 24 hours, it was like Hickteeth was right there, whispering in my ear.

My first Hickism occured on my date with "The Skimmer" ... the guy who "skimmed" my blog. We were talking about eating healthy and he told me that normally, he really watches what he eats and then said:

"Except this week." (he is at a conference) "For the last 2 days, it's like: 'oh! Is that a shrimp? Are those crab legs? Pass me another martini!'". He was making funny hand gestures of pointing at and eating everything in sight.

Then I said (with finger raised in air): "Are those brownies?"

Today, Hickteeth's spirit surfaced within me again (well, almost... I didn't say what was on the tip of my tongue...). I sat in the hygienist's chair at Dr. J's before my X-ray. She had me bite on the hard piece of thingie, then positioned the X-Ray machine to my cheek and I thought....

(insert Scottish accent) "I'm not pregnant, but thanks fer askin'!"

Hickteeth, you have made a profound difference in my life and changed me, as a person. I just wanted to acknowledge that, and thank you.

Hot hot hot

2006-05-09T13:36:00.000-04:00

Blue faux snakeskin cowboy boots.

Unfortunately, there is not one redeeming word in the sentence above.

It might be a different story, however, if they were brown and looked like this :

or like this :

I want to be a cowboy!

2006-05-08T17:46:00.000-04:00

I just got back from Montana, I think I want to be a Cowgirl. I bought a pair of cowboy boots while I was there - Blue faux snakeskin (they now match my notebook) I know OOTG is rolling her eyes in disgust!

I'm very excited because on Thursday we are premiering the horror film I designed (which you are all welcome to attend if you want to fly to L.A.!) Please check out the website for a little entertainment www.theslaughtermovie.com. Of course you'll notice that everyone else who had anything to do with the movie got credited but yet I am no where mentioned. Bitter?! Maybe a little!

But then again do I really want my good name associated?!

Master of The House

2006-05-05T09:28:00.000-04:00

This will not be a post appreciated by all, and I know I risk coming off as the "Crazy Single Cat Lady" but something disturbed me somewhat this morning, as I lay in bed, with my cat Calvin on my chest who was in the throes of ecstacy, getting his neck and head scratched. I looked at Calvin, who I adore, and thought of his life, living with Ms. Ms. Calvin gets fed, watered, his poop scooped, and full body massages, scratches, and kisses. He has been getting away scot-free from jumping up on my kitchen counter and has not had to suffer the discomfort of claw-clipping because he complains so much when I try. He lives with his Mom who sometimes cleans him lovingly, and other times he pounces on and tries to play-fight with. A total Mama's boy! My house is littered with his toys, he has scratching post and various pieces of furniture (much to my dismay) for his claw-scratching pleasure. Calvin is truly the King of Chez Ms. This is pathetic.

"The Blog Exchange"... free for women, 24 hours a day...

2006-04-30T18:37:00.000-04:00

I received an email a few days ago of most utter hilarity. I never thought my blog could be a way to meet men, but once again, life doesn't cease to surprize me. Usually it happens in disappointing, raunchy or perplexing ways. This one teeters between raunchy and perplexing. Please note this man's spectacular use of English vocabulary.

Subject: Mrs M...tag your it..
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 21:25:07 -0400

>>intrestimg blog>>> very informative>>>>lol>Me Mtl guy 31 yrs. 6ft 190# athletik brwn hair/eyes fit and fun>> IM the guy your mom warned you about...lol.... Id love to hear more from you..IM curious what ethnicity r you ...Im single and work in restaurantation and would enjoy some mature company..drop me a line Jered...

Sunday Morning Buttermilk Pancakes

2006-04-30T15:22:00.000-04:00

Is this just what they call "the Honeymoon period" or do I get to look forward to Pancakes cooked for me every Sunday morning?! Mmmmm Pancakes.

PS - OOTG I'm putting yours in the mail today!

Time for a new challenge

2006-04-29T12:44:00.000-04:00

In the vein of Ms Ms's las challenge, here is a new one.

1. What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?
2. What are you most ashamed or embarassed of?
3. Tell us something funny about you that people would be surprised to learn
4. What is the wildest thing you've ever done? What made you do it?
5. What are you passionate about?
6. What is your biggest Pet Peeve
7. Who do you admire? ..Explain

Of course I have ulterior motives for this challenge. I need to fill out a questionaire to be on a reality show (if you can't beat 'em join 'em!). Other than my life long pet peeve of plastic wrap i'm drawing a blank at what to write. Hoping I can steal some of your witty answers!

hickatron?

2006-04-27T09:52:00.000-04:00

for the love of the most hilarious holy things:
i just noticed that on hick's post of a few days past she referred to herself as "hickatron."
HICKATRON!
HICK-A-TRON!!
man i can't stop laughing!
(why did i not notice this hilarity sooner? i can't take it. i have just peed my pants.)

Ode to Tom

2006-04-26T16:53:00.000-04:00

Hello there Tom,
Our brand new friend
We hear you have
Some cheer to lend
What you've got
Is a top blog list
And we are contenders
How can we resist?
We write and write
And write some more
For our own pleasure
Our stories and lore.
We joke and kid
We giggle and snort
Thinking no one is reading
We blog for sport
But here you have found us
In our own little world
On the pages of blogger
We are scarcely heard
Tom wants to shout
From cyber treetop and roof:
"Our Five Cents
Is no longer aloof!"
We will please the masses,
Our audience will know
About our silly lives
From Cali to Toronto
And Montreal too
See? You just nevah know
Who is reading and waiting
To make your blog a show
If we go forth with Tom
And his merry, merry men
In no time at all
We might blog the Top Ten.

Ode to OOTG

2006-04-26T09:37:00.000-04:00

Here's a poem for a lovely dame
She is one of the girls
And that is her name.
Devoted to friends, family
And the C
She is eloquent with words
This biotch is classy!
Sometimes I neglect
To praise her good work
Like beautifying our blog
And the food that she cook
She feeds us brownies
Until we could burst
She makes a mean Molotof
And pours water for our thirst
So OOTG, OOTG
Do not fret
Though I don’t always say it
I do not forget
The little things you do
You are one special lass
And a damn fine friend
Thanks for complimenting my ass.

Sunshiney Day

2006-04-25T15:38:00.000-04:00

La la la... the sun is supposed to come out - though now it is raining - and it will be a beautiful day!
Hickteeth skips to her car, in anticipation of a wonderful morning. Then she remembers : the dentist appointment she has this afternoon. That's ok! Her new dentist is kind and gentle and so far so good. She's sure it will be fine! She unlocks the door - what's this? - a ticket? Hicky checks the signs and sure enough, it is the only place she can't park between 8AM-9AM. Fair enough. She should have looked at the parking indicators more closely.
Bus ticket in pocket - she put it there so that there would be no struggles at the bus stop, Hick makes her way to the bus shelter, sees her bus - 3 minutes early - pass before her as she walks to the stop. No problem, another one will come soon, says the lady waiting for the bus with her. The lady talks to her until the next bus comes and as they enter the bus where Hickster reaches in her pocket to find - that it's empty. The ticket is lost.
Another ticket later, the ride begins standing and ends standing - no seats today.
As the dentist appointment approaches, Hick sees the sun come out. Lovely! A sign of things to come.
A strange and new experience, the dentist replaces one filling with another. It is Hick's first experience with a "dental dam" and though she has heard wonderful things about them, she had never really associated them with the actual dentist before. This experience is not something she'd choose to repeat, though it did not cause too much disturbance or pain.
Mirror in hand, Hickatron checks out the new filling and what a beaut it is. No more ugly silver for her.
Swallow this - says the dentist and off goes Hick to the bathroom with her cup of activated charcoal. The black mud dribbles down her chin as hick realises her handicapped ability to swallow and keep liquids in her mouth - it being frozen and all. She tries to smile and a stretched, half-grimace looks back at her. Lips, tongue and teeth covered in the black powder.
Several mouthfuls of water later, she's on the street back to work - a little woozy and over-tired.
Flashback to the night before when Cuddles arrives at home an hour and a half late, waking Hick out of her first 5 mins of sleep - keeping her up while he showers and then promtly falls into a deep sleep. Hickypoo is still up. And quite exhausted.
Back to work, over-tired and under eating and swallowing capacity, our friend Hick is starting to feel that the sunny day is no longer reflecting her humours, which have taken a dip for the worse.
Her stomach growls and she reaches for her yoghurt which she hopes she can get down without too much mess.
Smacking and sucking sounds eminate from the flapping frozen lip, yoghurt escapes despite her best efforts, holding back tears of absolute exhaustion, Hick can do nothing more but log onto her favorite website and divulge her tale of woe. Woe and anguish.
She leans back in her chair at a job well done and quietly falls asleep... at work.

OMG

2006-04-24T18:40:00.000-04:00

i swallowed the condom.
(again... apparently i didn't learn enough from the boardgame.)
actually, OMG i erased ms. ms.'s post! it was there 3 times, and as administrator i tried to clean up the blog! for the love of all things holy! ms.!! I AM SO FUCKING SORRY!

i think this deserves an entry of its own

2006-04-24T15:44:00.000-04:00

but i'm not sure.
i can't be too confident that i know how to blog anymore. i have been beaten and battered by those i thought were my friends. all because of an entry. darlings, i thought we were above this. i was hoping the response to my entry would have been words of encouragement: way to go ootg, you're bloggin' again!; rock on blista*! and the like. i am hurt, and we are friends so i felt that i had to tell you. i know how you feel, and now you kow what is going on inside this head of mine.
onwards and upwards.
(*blista=blog sista)

No Nuts on the Plane

2006-04-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

There was a time when getting on an airplane was synonymous with getting a bad meal and a tiny packet of peanuts (that was really the only thing to carry you through that flight). Most airlines have now taken away the free bad meal forcing you to spend upwards of $7.00 if you want to eat preheated, unidentifiable grub. Every flight I say, “next flight I’m boing to pack my own snacks” . Every flight I forget and then have to make the choice between starving or ordering the Turkey Ham & Cream Cheese on Raisin Bread?!!! (I swear, no joke – they serve this disgusting combo on American Airlines!)

On my last flight I took a stand, no more bad expensive airplane food. I looked in my fridge and I prepared a delightful lunch and snack to last me through the 6 hour flight from LA to NY. I made a salad in disposable Tupperware, emptied the last of the wasabi cashews in a plastic baggie and grabbed a couple of cliff bars for a snack. I was ready for this flight.

“Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have a peanut allergy on board. We would appreciate it if you would refrain from eating any snacks you may have brought on board that contain nuts!”

Darn, I won’t be able to eat those wasabi cashews. Oh well, mmmmmmm, salad time. Wait a minute, I make a spinach, beet and walnut salad. If you are allergic to peanuts are you allergic to walnuts too? The flight attendant said “no nuts”. Oh well, I forgot a fork anyhow.

Stomach rumbling now. At least I can eat my Cliff bar chocolate chip cookie flavor. Shit, oh no, I didn’t! I grabbed the peanut and honey flavor. Now what?

So there I sat on the airplane grumbling about the fact that I couln’t eat any of my nut filled snacks. At least Jet Blue provides you with a spreadable cheese type object and crackers just before you land. Wish I had gone straight to OOTG’s seder. I would have been ready!

Issue with OOTG

2006-04-21T15:47:00.000-04:00

One of the Girls, I really don't appreciate it when you take up precious blog space with a fake post like that. Save your everyday drivel to the comments section, or for your personal diary. When you post on Our 5 Cents, it had better be something worthwhile from now on. Like me splitting my pyjama bottoms, or Hickteeth forgetting her bra.

i figured i would write a post instead of just commenting

2006-04-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

on the other hand: nah.
(a girl's gotta work for a living! she can't eat lunch with hickteeth AND blog! sheeshola!)

Split Me Trousers!

2006-04-20T09:35:00.000-04:00

This morning, I pressed the remote control button to turn on CityTV and plopped down on my couch. I heard a very distinct "RIIIIIIP"-ing sound and thought... was that the couch pillow? I stood, touching delicately along my backside, and yes sir, that sound was the sound of my pyjama pants tearing evenly and completely down the rear. My ass crack was exposed. I can wear the pants no longer.

So, this is a tribute to my most favourite pair of Urban Outfitter's pyjama pants, their drawstring at the side, their light weight and soft cotton, their stripes of shades of brown and blue, pants that have been around the world.... how I will miss them.

In addition, this is a tribute to my ass, which I thought fit into those pyjama pants perfectly. I wasn't the one eating all the desserts at the OOTG's house on Passover! My ass should not be one to rip pants! But, my bum, in all its glory, is capable of such things. And for this, I commend it.

Are those Brownies?

2006-04-19T12:46:00.000-04:00

a.k.a. It's just not Passover until you feel like you're going to barf.

Why, when we normally do not eat even one pan of sweet potato, do we eat TWO pans at passover?

Why, when we normally do not dip our fingers into the brownie pan once, do we dip many times on this night?

Why, when we do not normally lean to the left, are we forced to lean (due to over consumption) on this night?

Because.. it's passover. That's why.

For all of those who do not remember what it means to have a passover meal at the OOTGs. Let me refresh :

1. You sit, and though already hungry (or is that just me?) you read through - or blast through sometimes - the Haggadah. No pauses here, food is waiting! And we are thinking about it.. I mean .. we take the time to think about the suffering of our ancestors... and matzoh balls.

2. Marror!
FULLNESS LEVEL : 1

3. Salad with hard boiled eggs, gefilte fish, more marror... basically a full meal as Appetizer #1 - yes only #1.
FULLNESS LEVEL 5

4. Matzoh ball soup amidst many compliments to the gramma-chef. Nothing funny to add here. Matzoh balls just don't lend themselves to good humour. Sorry.
FULLNESS LEVEL : 7 (uh oh)

5. The meal : need I go into details about this? Imagine all the food on the planet, then divide it in two. We got one half, the rest of the population got the other.
FULLNESS LEVEL : 13.5

6. Desert. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I think I am going to barf all over myself already (but it would probably taste good coming up - sweet potato heaven). Then come out the 2 cakes, 3 cookie varietals and of course... the straw that broke Hickteeth's button : the brownines.
FULLNESS LEVEL : Can't-Swallow-as-Food-is-Backing-up-Esophagus-Into-Mouth.

I am proud to say that after one piece of cake, 3 cookies,one taste of other cake forced upon me by OOTG and one short food fight over gelatinous coating of cake-I-didn't-want (OOTG's mother yelled at us for laughing too loud) I only had 2 brownies. Maybe 3. And one macaroon on the way home in the car.

I tried not to over-do it this year.

So, You Think My Mum's A Kook?

2006-04-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

You think my mother is kooky because she doesn't like how I blow my nose? Well, listen to this:

My mum saw a TV commercial that she found so over-the-top appalling and grotesque that she actually wrote to the company to complain. They wrote back, thanking her for the feedback, and apologizing for any anguish the advertisement may have caused, but stating that it would not be pulled from broadcast because it was well-received by a focus group. She wrote back to say that the world must be in a sorry state for commercials like that to be considered entertainment.

What commercial caused all this fanfare?

The Dentyne Frost Bites ad where the guy's head freezes and falls off, and everyone in the car screams. The first time my mother EVER writes to a company, it's because of this ad. The only word that comes to mind is: Crochety. My mother is becoming crochety.

Overheard at the Ms.' House...

2006-04-17T11:02:00.000-04:00

Mrs: "Yesterday I cut everyone very small pieces of cheesecake. How much do you want today?"
Mr: " More than yesterday."
Mrs: "A sliver?"
Mr: "A slaver."
Ms. Ms.: (giggling fit... a slaver!!)

Mrs (to Mr): "Remember that time someone tweaked your tussie in the gym locker room?"

Mrs (to Ms.): "You never were very good at blowing your nose".

Ms (to Brother): "Just because something is for sale, it doesn't mean you BUY IT!!" (referring to 11 year old 46" TV, which would make his 4th TV at home.. BTW, he bought it)

Aunt R: "I think we'll head home now because Ms. Ms. is sick and coughing and.... I'm sure she'd rather be alone." (what she WANTED to say is that she felt icky around my germs!!!)

Mr: "Now, I'm no expert on purses...."
Mrs: "By now you should be!!!"

Mrs: "I always thought Hickteeth was pretty"
Ms. Ms: "Well, Mum, you were always right."

Mrs: "Ms. M, one of these days, you are going to have to learn how to hork up your phlegm."

I'm a Sickass

2006-04-07T03:38:00.000-04:00

My last 24 hours have been less than fun. I woke up, sick, then stressed the whole day about how I am going to manage all the things I need to do for the rest of the week, seeing no possible way to stay home from work. I came up with at least 10 scenarios on how I can alter my workload to allow my body the much-needed "get well" time.

Drank a cup of tea, a glass of water with liquid Echinecea, had an Advil and a Zinc losenge and headed to work. Thankfully, felt much better at work. Unfortunately, work was insane. I went straight from 8-1 with no break and then headed to my prenatal class, ate lunch in the cab over.

I left prenatal class after my teaching portion (approx 2:10pm). Felt no guilt due to my sorry, sickass state, and the fact I have worked hours and hours of overtime and will do so again on Friday due to an insane workload.

Got home... went to bed. Slept 3 hours. Woke up to call my girlfriends to pathetically apologize for being incapacitated and probably not being able to host the lovely cooking and martini party I had planned for them. This was my greatest fear in this sniffling, coughing, fuzzy-head experience: having to alter my social life. And Hickteeth is in town!! HICKTEETH IS IN TOWN!

By the way, total food intake today: small bowl cereal, 1 cookie, 2 slices whole wheat bread, 30g light havarti cheese, 1 apple, 4 strawberries. Total fluid intake: 2 cups. This is not taking care of myself, is it? I forgot: about 5 Zinc losenges. That can be considered a viable nutrient intake, right? RIGHT?

So, I went back to bed with a Tylenol Cold Nighttime Tablet, box of kleenex by my bedside and proceeded to sleep until now... 3:30 AM. I actually felt pretty OK when I woke up. That Tylenol stuff is a miracle drug or something! I hope (maybe even pray) that I feel this OK when I re-awaken at a decent hour. BUT... willl I be able to sleep again? Have I slept out all the sleepin' I gots in me?

Tomorrow is going to be brutal. I have 8 patients to see in my fully-booked clinic, and then on the inpatient unit: an eating disordered girl, a newly-transferred preemie, and failure-to-thrive kid who might need tube feeding, plus I have a list of phone calls to return. That's al I know I have to do. Hopefully there will be no new consults. I am not sure how I can do this all in one day, feeling so sick.

My only saving grace is that Footloose is on (how awesome?! they play Footloose at 3AM!). And of course this blogging. Miss Kay, I hope I didn't take away from your post: it was funny. Girls, don't skip over Miss Kay's post. I just wanted to get some pity, and capture this 3:50AM blogging moment, because I really am screwed tomorrow.

Just in case I had forgotten, It’s Official. I live in Hollywood.

2006-04-06T12:07:00.000-04:00

How many people do you know with breast implants? Cheek implants? Butt implants? Nose Jobs? Do you know people who go for facial peels and cellulite removal on a weekly basis. Do you have a friend who’s lost 150 pounds through gastro-bypass surgery? If you can answer at least 5 – well then you probably live in Hollywood!

It’s so normal here I don’t really think about it. Most everyone I associate with here has had “work” done. I’m sure if I stay here long enough I will get something done myself (actually the anti cellulite treatment sounds really awesome!) I think I’ve grown so accustomed to it that I don’t think about it.

That is, I don’t think about it until you have to deal with it. Like for instance. What is the proper etiquette when you meet your friend for coffee and her lips are swollen to Angela Jolie proportions?

Do you –
a) Ignore -Drink your coffee chat about the weather, “wow, there has been a lot of sun here lately”
b) Politely Address - Smile and say, “hmmm, something looks different about you, have you lost weight?”
c) Point and Laugh “ What the fuck happened to you? Did you get your lips caught in the door?”
d) Other– Please submit your own answer

After hearing your response I will tell you how the actual situation played out!